#MICROBLOGMONDAY
First, I have a new job. Yay, for that!! I’d like it to be my last new company for a
while if God says the same (see my many jobs
throughout my infertility timeline). So
far I love it, hopefully there won’t be any layoffs or IT cutbacks. Anyway, insurance is pretty good except for…wait
for it…Infertility! You guessed didn't
you? Insert large SIGH here. Although, some of the language is confusing
(and I thought I couldn't be confused by infertility benefit language at this
point), the best case scenario is we will be responsible for our deductible and
20% of the cost of any infertility treatment with the exception of…wait for it
once more…IVF. There is no coverage at all for IVF no matter which
way you read it. The worst case scenario
is that we are responsible for all the costs of everything up to IVF as well and the only thing offered
is a kind of discount program where we use a middle man and they broker a
discount with an in network provider.
Anyway, I’m in this weird head space
about it. I have three years to the big
35 (really less, my 33rd birthday is in September) and I just don’t
know how I feel about starting treatments.
I am in this weird, out of feelings space. Does that make any sense? I am not even numb, it’s just like…a big I’M
OUT OF IDEAS flashing across my brain.
There’s no way feasible to turn in the journey right now. The ultimate is still true, I want more than
anything to produce a child with my payday.
I’m just out of any other feelings about it. Is it possible to run out of feelings after a
long time dealing with something? In Sex
and the City II, Carrie says that “maybe you’re only allotted so many tears per
relationship and I've met my quota”. I
feel similar to that except it’s not just the sadness that’s gone…it’s
everything. Yet, I’m not in that magic “if
it happens it happens” spot. I said I
would never lie to myself again about that.
So, I guess the truth is (and I’m figuring this out as I type this post)
that the reality of the testing we have already done has really hit my
brain. It’s not as bad as it could be but…there’s
no point in looking to be pregnant.
There are issues. They are out of
my control. That’s it. There’s no extra explanations or
investigations of possibilities needed right this second (maybe later on but
not right now). It’s like trying to
control your pulse or something, can’t happen and I have entered into the
acceptance phase of the grief process. I
can’t make $15,000 appear in our budget for IVF and I can’t change payday’s
diagnosis or mine. So…this is what it is
and miraculously life must go on. Weird.
Till next time,
