Backwards

*Find out more about Microblog Mondays here http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/

Sometimes the hard part about the journey is the hits your character seems to take.  I love success, I love to see people endeavor and succeed.  I want that for myself, I want that for others.  Infertility has brought out jealousy issues I didn’t even know I had.  I think in my former life (pre infertility apocalypse) I was just too oblivious to the people around me to want what they had or judge them.  I seriously live in my own head so much of the time, my mom thought I might have socialization issues when I was young.  Anyway, these days I find the bitterest thoughts there (in my head).  Today the world found out that Kim Kardashian is pregnant.  I found out this morning through an obligatory Instagram scroll.  My first thought was “Really?!”.  My second after that was a weary disgust at the first thought.  I want to be so much better than I am with this.  I was actually rooting for Kim K (or so I thought) because she was bringing a lot of attention to infertility during this season.  However, when I saw that announcement this morning…my heart sank.  Then it sank further because it sank in the first place.  If there was a mirror for my heart, I’m afraid I wouldn’t recognize it now.  What are those spots of bitterness doing there?  What’s up with the lines of unease and frustration running throughout?  Are those holes of discontent there permanently?  Is that footprint of loss really mine?  This isn’t my heart…this is the heart of a much older and much harder woman.  I want mine back.

Till next time

Weird Spaces

 #MICROBLOGMONDAY

First, I have a new job.  Yay, for that!!   I’d like it to be my last new company for a while if God says the same (see my many jobs throughout my infertility timeline).  So far I love it, hopefully there won’t be any layoffs or IT cutbacks.  Anyway, insurance is pretty good except for…wait for it…Infertility!  You guessed didn't you?  Insert large SIGH here.  Although, some of the language is confusing (and I thought I couldn't be confused by infertility benefit language at this point), the best case scenario is we will be responsible for our deductible and 20% of the cost of any infertility treatment with the exception of…wait for it once more…IVF.  There is no coverage at all for IVF no matter which way you read it.  The worst case scenario is that we are responsible for all the costs of everything  up to IVF as well and the only thing offered is a kind of discount program where we use a middle man and they broker a discount with an in network provider.  

Anyway, I’m in this weird head space about it.  I have three years to the big 35 (really less, my 33^rd birthday is in September) and I just don’t know how I feel about starting treatments.  I am in this weird, out of feelings space.  Does that make any sense?  I am not even numb, it’s just like…a big I’M OUT OF IDEAS flashing across my brain.  There’s no way feasible to turn in the journey right now.  The ultimate is still true, I want more than anything to produce a child with my payday.  I’m just out of any other feelings about it.  Is it possible to run out of feelings after a long time dealing with something?  In Sex and the City II, Carrie says that “maybe you’re only allotted so many tears per relationship and I've met my quota”.   I feel similar to that except it’s not just the sadness that’s gone…it’s everything.  Yet, I’m not in that magic “if it happens it happens” spot.  I said I would never lie to myself again about that.  So, I guess the truth is (and I’m figuring this out as I type this post) that the reality of the testing we have already done has really hit my brain.  It’s not as bad as it could be but…there’s no point in looking to be pregnant.   There are issues.  They are out of my control.  That’s it.  There’s no extra explanations or investigations of possibilities needed right this second (maybe later on but not right now).  It’s like trying to control your pulse or something, can’t happen and I have entered into the acceptance phase of the grief process.  I can’t make $15,000 appear in our budget for IVF and I can’t change payday’s diagnosis or mine.  So…this is what it is and miraculously life must go on. Weird.

Till next time,

Sorry for the delay

So shortly after my last post...I lost my job.  Believe me, I wish that news was the other kind.  It basically put a speed bump (hill? mountain?) in all things related to medically assisted fertility.  The hunt is on and I have some pretty good leads but right now we are back to au naturale with nothing that new to report.

Till next time...

#MicroblogMonday What's it worth to you?

The RE bills is not a game for kids J  See what I did there?  Yes, I got my first invoice.  It’s not much compared to what some of you have seen (a measley $500) but more than I have spent on doctor’s visits in the last 3 years combined. What’s crazy is it’s only the beginning.  Insert deep sigh here.  It is what it is.  I know payday and I both have this wild hope that I’m pregnant right now (despite the 1% chance it’s even possible) so that we won’t have to go forward with the operation to cut off our arm and leg so we can surreptitiously hand them to our RE.  Oh well, who needs a savings account or retirement plan anyway right?

Till next time

The Game Plan

            And moving right along…On Wednesday I had a plan of attack meeting with the RE.  Payday had a last minute work commitment and couldn’t be there (L).  I had stressed myself pretty much into a coma like state, convinced that the doctor would come to a radically different conclusion than the nurse.  I have a habit of thinking the very worst no matter what, I thought “I’m 32, what if he thinks we need to go straight to IVF with ICSI?, my fertility with assistance journey will be over before it even begins.”   That kind of thing.  Well, I’m happy to report that I was wrong.  That sentence might not come out of my mouth again (like ever) so it’s good that I have it forever saved here in this blog.  Anyway, Dr. C basically reiterated all the things the nurse had said.  He also told me from my ultrasound and HSG that I had a “pretty fine looking uterus”.  This he said with a smile, and I can tell you for an infertile…it’s a little like being told you’re beautiful J I beamed a smile right back at him, it might be one of the most needed compliments I have ever had.  He believes a moderate treatment plan is the way to go.  So, we will do IUI with monitoring.  The plan is to call on the first day of my next cycle (which this regular girl knows will be January 30^th or very close to it) and schedule my day 3 labs and a baseline ultrasound.  I will be given clomid to take from Day 3 to day 7 if all is good during that ultrasound.  Then monitoring, trigger, IUI.  Like lights, camera, action J.  I’ve been given some good advice to buy cheap pregnancy tests so that I can test the pregnancy hormone out of my system.  I never thought I would want to do it that way but with the explanation of how pregnant I will “feel”, I can see why it might actually make it easier.  I can imagine that I’ll be burning to test early and if I get a positive and don’t know whether it’s real or the hormones still in my system…That might be a little like hell.

                I did get bit of a surprise.  Dr. C thinks I have “Ovulatory PCOS”.  He explained it was his own term but there are women who have cystic ovaries with regular ovulatory cycles.  Most of my tests were normal but those that were off (AMH, testerone level) indicate that I probably had PCOS.  Well, that’s not what I wanted to hear but hey…at least I know now.  Also, it took some of the burden of guilt off payday, the doctor explained that it’s plausible that if any one of our mild diagnoses were to disappear we would have been pregnant long ago.  However, the combination of them might just be what’s holding us back.  This is why we were able to get pregnant before (thought we miscarried) but have had this long spell of nothing.   So, that’s the plan.  He said we could try IUI at least three times before he would recommend moving on to IVF.  I am truly praying that it happens for us this first time.  We waited so long to get to this road and we are so emotionally drained…I know it doesn’t work that way for a lot of people but right now…call me an optimist.  It’s completely out of character but I really don’t have any other choice, I’m too tired for cynicism.

Till next time,

With the new year...The results

So even with stressful holiday weeks whizzing by…payday and I managed to get him to the clinic and tested last week.  All of my test results came back as well so here’s the skinny.  All of my tests were within normal range except for testosterone which was a bit high.  The nurse stated this sometimes means PCOS but since I have regular periods…she’s pretty sure I don’t have PCOS.  My ovarian reserve is fine though the numbers are a little on the high side of normal (whew! To that).  Payday has a count that is a bit below normal.  Everything else was pretty fine.  All in all…”It wouldn’t be a surprise to me for you guys to conceive on your own”.  A boulder the size of Texas slid to the left in my chest.  To have gone all this time and believe in all your heart that you and your partner were destined to create a baby together…but to have year after year pass with nothing on a pregnancy test…not even an evap.  To say I was thinking the worst would probably be an understatement.  We never got the exact numbers on payday’s SA before so my thoughts were what if they tell us IVF with ICSI is the ONLY option.  Can you still sell Kidneys?  If I sell my kidney for IVF money, is that a bit like throwing out the baby with the bath water (pun NOT intended)?  Will I have to borrow all the money available for loan from my 401k for even one shot at it? Would that even work?  What if he has NO sperm?  What if I have NO eggs?  How do you make a cake without any of the ingredients? 

Yes, all these questions…many more in fact…ran through my mind over the last week.  Who am I kidding?  I’ve been thinking this (off and on…mostly on) for the last five years.  When we got these results it didn’t mean there was nothing to worry about.  It DOES mean that despite my mind’s persistence to the contrary…it is not impossible for us to get pregnant.  Despite all these years of heartache...we could still conceive at any moment.  Our baby wasn’t a fluke.  That makes me feel like I lost more than 40lbs.  I lost the weight of the world.  So, before I start bawling or something…next steps.  Next Wednesday the 14^th we go in to see the RE for game plan options.  I am hoping he says let’s start with IUI.  I don’t know what he might see as the best option though so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I will keep you all posted.

With Faith, For love, Of Light

It's that time again

There is a prerequisite to the mandatory course that is my period.  I call it my cramping 101.  During my actual period I have cramping that is akin to contractions.  The kind you might have if you were pregnant with a 25 pound two headed godzilla like creature with razor sharp teeth that bite you from the inside.  This is not an over exaggeration, in fact…I may be sugar coating a little.  So obviously…THAT sucks but what sucks even more (if you can even believe it’s possible to up the scale of sucky at this point) are my cramping 101 pains.  I have described the KNOWING that my period is coming.  I talked about this in my “Tales of a Regular girl” post but the cramping itself…it deserves it’s own post.  So, here we go with the 101s, the alpha, the beginning.  What makes them so awful is that they are the SAME…always.  They bring with them some diarrhea and nausea. I can actually feel the uterus contracting, not with the excruciating pain that it will have as a partner in a couple of days but...with a feeling I can only describe as "Yuck".  I always feel like someone poured a bucket of water into all my pores and the 101’s are attempting to run them through some kind of collision course with all available exits.  It’s an awful overall feeling and it occurs every single month, on time, and without fail. 

I would add that I have  pretty high tolerance for pain.  With the twins, I remember women telling me “Contractions are like cramps but ten times worse”.  I thought, “oh well, surely I’ll die or pass out then”.  At that time, I didn’t know my period was any different from anyone else’s.  I learned later that most of my friends pitied my monthly blood and guts horror show.  That people actually use panty liners as pads (I sincerely thought this was a myth) and that girls take tylenol then cramps disappear like bunny rabbits into a hat.  I’m not bitter…ok, sometimes a little.  The beginning of this revelation was my labor with the twins.  I kept waiting for The Pain.  I dilated 6 centimeters before baby girl turned breach requiring a c section.  I mean I felt something but it wasn’t even a distant blurry comparison to my period cramps.  According to the doctor my contractions were “intense” enough for both babies to be delivered vaginally (had they both cooperated with the plan) but I was asking could I please have a burger right up to the operating table.  So not ten times stronger than MY period pain, not a tenth OF my period pain, just a vaguely uncomfortable feeling I liken to having a decent amount of gas. That was 13 years ago and I've given birth painfully and bitterly to only a uterine lining ever since. Of course, I'm not alone in the pain of giving birth every month to only a uterine lining, and though I wouldn't wish IF on anyone...not being alone helps.

I said all that to say,  there is no mistaking 101s for round ligament pain or early pregnancy cramping. When the 101s begin…it’s already over.

P.S. Of course I had to create this post while 101s are in session to make sure I captured all their glory.

Till next time