So...yeah

I forgot about ovulation.  I did.  Like not on purpose…not the “relax and let live” then do all but bulls eye the date in your mind technique.  I know that I haven’t ovulated yet…but I have not counted and seen when I WILL ovulate.  Every time I say “Ok, I need to see what day I ovulate”  I never actually make it to the calendar.  Unfortunately, this is not the what will be will be acceptance that would be a step in the right direction.  I am simply too tired to count.  I am not misdirecting myself from the calendar or trying to think of other things to stop myself from counting…I am simply exhausted of counting and cataloging.  I am overcome with heavy tiredness whenever I attempt to count.  All of this might be good if it also meant I cared less…just a little less…whether I get pregnant or not.  Of course this is not the case,  every fiber still wants to be pregnant, every announcement still stings this cycle BUT I simply do not have the energy needed to go into the routine.  What does that mean I wonder?  Is this going to be a new state of being?  Will I now be forced to endure the cross purposes of desire and exhaustion?  As I am typing this I know I will figure out when I ovulate today but I am worried that the reason for this tiredness is that…I don’t want to try.  I am really tired of trying.  I can’t be tired of trying because I’m nowhere near giving up.  My innerself and my body are in completely different places (not unusual in the fertility world) and I have no idea how to get them on the same page.  I’m just so damn tired.

Doctor’s appointment and other mumbling updates

My doctor’s appointment went fine.  I mean at least he didn’t say “Just relax”.  As I said at the end of the 2013 year, the first test will be my husband’s.  I just had an “Is everything still fine with me” check.  Then we will get into fun tests like HSG.  I’m sure you can hear the mild sarcasm overlaying this post already…PMS *sigh*.  Anyway, we are scheduling that test in a couple of weeks and I will keep you updated on the results.  The hard part is trying to time an SA test while TTC because of the rules of the test and the amount of BDing needed in the TTC realm.  We are scheduling it around when I ovulate so that we are sure to be done with our TTC round for the cycle but not too far to upset the test, so more than likely it will be Wed the 5^th of February.  At which point, I hope we have excellent news.

I am officially on the wagon of weight loss and will not be deterred.  My jump off to a lifestyle over haul is a 30 day challenge at eating “clean”.  I’m not exactly sticking to all the rules because…well…I just don’t agree with all of them BUT I am eating a significantly less amount of processed foods and have increased my water in-take by a billion.  I will not give up cheese…just…will…NOT… and I don’t think it’s necessary for my particular goals anyway.  I have worked out every day so far and have until February 13^th on the jump start challenge.  If I am not pregnant by the end of this year (**quick prayer** lord please, if it’s in thy will let me see the end of 2014 pregnant) I will at least be AT my weight loss goal.

Hm…thought I had more to say.  Guess not.  Stay thirsty my friends J

Something New

HELLO 2014!!

 

In reading over the last of my posts for 2013,  I am slightly horrified at the bleak outlook on fertility and life in general.  I am a realist sure, but not a pessimist.  I hereby declare that gloom cycle past for now.  It’s a new year, tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment for wellness as well as fertility.  We are marching on toward victory…I can FEEL it J  My husband has a new job and his mood is through the roof excited, I can’t help but catch a bit of his good cheer.  Did I say how much I love that man?  Wind beneath my wings he is…

 

Anyway, what’s going on with me?  Not much, I’m going back to my health wagon that I slipped (Ok maybe I jumpedJ) off of a few months back.  I’ve gained 10 lbs of the previous 30 lost back and I’m not happy about the back track because I have quite a ways to go BUT at least I don’t have to start all the way over.   As far as fertility, I made the appointment with a local OBGYN.  I needed a change in doctors and this one comes recommended from a friend.  That’s as far as I have gotten.  I am praying and hoping (in that order) to hear a string of good news from whatever doctors we have to see.  In the meantime, I’ve taken a black marker to my diet.  I am usually a proponent of everything in moderation BUT I’ll have to work my way back there.  My love of potato chips has edged toward obsession and we need some time apart.  This is also true of red wine (I love my wine), cheese, and potatoes.  These things have to be cut out for a time until I can have them in suitable portions without withdrawal symptoms J

On another note, my mom (who is just awesomeness) has let me know that she can’t wait for more grandchildren.  This is great!  I know some people would find this sounds like pressure but that’s just not how my mom means it.  She has told me she would be completely content if I never got pregnant again.  She loves her grandchildren but I don’t think she ever saw me as a mother of 3 or 4.  I am an only child and until I had the twins…I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married or have kids.  I think she was worried I would be overwhelmed or lose myself or something like that.  Now that the twins are getting older (going to be 13 this year L)…I think she can see how nice it will be to have a young child around again.  Also, it’s very different from when I last became pregnant, payday and I have been together for a decade.  Married for almost eight years, good stable jobs, complete education…and (I think this might be the biggest thing) she’s older.  She was too young to be a grandmother when I made her one but NOW is the time her grandmother clock has started ticking.  I love the sound.  My mom is the best woman I have ever known.  She loves God, is honest and true to herself.  She put me first and I remember loving to see the look on her face when she turned around and saw me.  She lit up.

It says something to me now that she is so proud of me and wants to watch me mother more children.  I guess that’s it for today folks.  I’ll post about my doctor appointment by the end of the week!

 

 

What if it's him?

 

Let’s talk about male factor infertility.  So,  while we do not know for sure what is causing our infertility, the last news we received was about a low sperm count for DH.  We had botched the test and did the baby dance too close to the testing date so we are not sure how accurate the results were at that time.  The first test we do in 2014 will be an SA.  As of right now, we have no reason to believe more testing is needed on my side.  So with all that,  I have been reading some blogs that specify male factor infertility.  All I can say is…I’m discouraged.  Every blog that I have read so far that ended in pregnancy only did so through IVF…sometimes of donor sperm.  That just sucks for my situation.  For us, adoption is not an option that we would want to pursue.  I have children from my first marriage which my DH has basically raised as his own and would adopt in a second.  My DH has no biological children of his own, that’s the point of TTC…we have no children together.  We wouldn’t want donor sperm.  Finally,  IVF is so expensive it would take years to save up for it…then it might not even work?? 

In short, there is really nothing that I can do.  If it is a male factor issue…we will just have to go with our options.  Still sucks.  There is always a possibility (a pretty good one in fact) that his next SA will turn out fine, in which case, none of the above matters.  Also, as anyone in the TTC world would tell you, it only takes one.  I am trying to be hopeful here because I am very near the end of patient and sane thinking.  It is difficult to go on with regular life when your hope of something you have wanted for so long has started to leave you.  The worst part is with my payday.  I don’t think he can talk about it with anyone.  If it was me,  I would have plenty of female support and resources…he has no one.  All of his male relatives have fathered children without trying much.  He wants to be a dad so badly and though he is an eternal optimist (go figure with him marrying the opposite), I know he would be crushed if he was never able to get me pregnant.

So, I have reminded myself for the millionth time that God would never put on me more than I can bear.  And said this prayer :

Thank you lord for all my blessings and your continued presence in my life.  Thank you for all that I have and don’t deserve.  Thank you for my twins growing up healthy and happy preteens.  Thank you for my miscarried little one that was so hard for me at the time but has shown me your miracles. Lord help me, help me be better and take the lessons you have to teach.  Help me not to break down.  Help me to be thankful in my spirit when my heart is breaking.  And if it be they will, lord show me the light at the end of this tunnel.  

In Jesus’ name,

Amen

The Baby Making Business

I have found that there is much more of a “business” aspect to TTC than anyone should ever realize.  There comes a time where any veteran of trying to conceive begins to look at the entire system as a routine.  BD times become meetings, test dates are forecasted with on hand technology, and every symptom from CD1 to Aunt Flo is documented and cataloged for later study.   It’s almost inevitable.  Unfortunately, since this is not the way it normally happens naturally it is also pretty darn depressing.   When romancing your DH becomes an “appointment” and you may have to pay for the privilege of having your next “appointment” happen on a cold sterile OBGYN table…you can’t help but feel you’ve lost something in the translation.  And since we are on the subject of paying for conception…does that not feel so totally and insanely unfair to anyone else?  Planning out a budget to conceive a child is one of the most heart breaking things I’ve ever done.  Maybe because I’m an accountant and I look at dollars and cents all day my perspective is askew but I just can’t seem to get my head around that even if we can afford to “have” a baby…we might not be able to afford “making” one. 

Looking into the cost of an IUI the first time…I almost had a heart attack.  One lab test for us could feed a family for a week.  Then the kicker…no guarantee it even produces what you have paid for…really?!?!?  All these big dollars being made for making me a mother of three (or more) just seems…wrong.  However, if it comes to that I will be one of the suckers helping the baby making business go round.  No matter how it grinds my gears, the truth is that I would do anything short of crime or heresy to conceive again.  I have found it is much harder to give up something you want when you feel it should and could be achieved.  I’ve had dreams fulfilled and unfulfilled.  I have had heartbreak and victory.  I can truly say I have never desired anything as much as I have desired to conceive a happy and healthy child we can take home with my husband.  As long as that’s true for me and millions of others like me…the baby-making business will continue to be in full swing.

 

 

 

Where hope goes to die...the two week wait

Even though it doesn’t seem like it from my gray disposition about them, two week waits are not the torturous time machine they used to be for me.  The first couple of years TTC, I found the time between ovulation and AF arrival a wear on all my nerves.  I tested often and fantasized about how I would tell DH almost every cycle.  I was disappointed month after month and year after year.  I thought what could be worse than a recurring monthly epic failure??  I’ve found what is worse, being resigned to failure.  Being resigned is not the same as “letting go”.  Letting go implies that you have no expectation one way or the other and have released the stress that would normally come with the TWW.  Being resigned means,  I know I will see my AF and I’ve given up believing I won’t see it until…well…until I don’t see it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still HOPE I don’t see it…but I’m resigned to the fact that I probably will.  In a word, that sucks the big one (guess that’s five wordsJ).  I want to whip out tests again and believe with bright fervor that I have as much a chance as any to get pregnant THIS cycle.  I want to turn off my stupid (yet methodical) brain that tells me to look at my symptoms and make the educated guess I have made every month for the last 2 years…It aint happening.  I really despise the two week wait for telling me in no uncertain terms, time and time again, “Brace yourself, epic fail on the horizon yet again”.

This is the way I feel near the end of all my two week waits now.  When symptoms simply progress on in their excruciatingly regular, monotonous way I can’t help but feel as if my body is going on without me.  It’s like that old saying “The world will keep spinning”.  I tick off in my head the DPO and the symptoms to match without any notice to the dull ache that still feels my heart when another cycle is as good as gone.  Another egg gone, the world keeps spinning and cycles keep coming.  In fact, she knocks at the door to come and take my hopes and dreams but she doesn’t even pause to say “I’m sorry”.  She does not hide the heavy foot falls that tell me she is on the way, she is never even late.  She simply shows up, takes what she will…and leaves.  Before she leaves though, she makes an appointment to return and then dares me to make her miss that appointment.  I can still here her laughing as she goes knowing she will be at my door again no matter what I do.

 

Sorry this is so blue readers, PMS J

 

I’m sure you can guess without me giving an update but since I said I would:

12DPO

Same symptoms as always

 

I survived a baby shower

First,  Sorry for the delay folks…changes at work have kept me quite busy!

So this blog’s title is probably very familiar to most people out their TTC.  Baby showers…the two edge sword.  On the one hand…I LOVE baby showers!  Tiny cute clothes…the newest technology in infant care…great games that revolve around babies…For a lady who wants a baby this is win win right?? 

Well, of course the baby shower makes me think about the one I have NOT had yet.  That’s inevitable.  In my head I can see my shower with all my friends and family there while a big healthy baby moves around in my belly and makes me as physically uncomfortable as possible.  However…it’s only in my head and so it can sometimes affect my attempts to be ecstatic for the mother to be. 

I am glad to report that this was not the case with the baby shower I attended two weeks ago.  My younger cousin is giving birth to a baby girl in…well…any day now!  She was so happy and her S/O was constantly rubbing her belly.  I did think a couple of times “I can’t wait for that” but I was genuinely happy for her.  This is huge.  I have intuitions sometimes, not Long Island Medium intuitions, but little “feeling peeks”.  I call them feeling peeks because it’s not visions of the future or anything but it’s like my spirit gives me a peek into what’s to come.  I can have a really bad feeling that something’s about to happen awful or I can have a great feeling that will make me break out into a smile with no preceding thought to explain it.  I have been getting those a lot lately and I feel…wait for it…like this is a blessing that will come to us.

In this journey, I have thought about everything in my life I have done wrong.  I’ve also thought there is more than sufficient reason for me not to be blessed with another child…I have felt for a while that it wouldn’t happen.  Now, I feel like it will. Not just might…but will.  I would say that what I feel is like grace revealing something to me…not all of it…but enough to tell me to be patient.  My time is coming.  That means the heavy burden of duality with all things baby related is almost completely lifted. I thank God for that.  I did more than survive a baby shower…my heart shone for the mother.  That’s the woman I want to be and I’m glad I was blessed to love on her without bitterness.

This is not to say that I never will deal with that bitterness again.  I hope not but I’m human and I might get inpatient and let something seep back in.  I don’t think so though,  I think now that I feel God whispering so closely to my ear…my spirit is free to be calm.

Next, since as previously discussed…I don’t really talk about my current cycles,  I thought I would place a sort of an update in each of my blog postings.  I know when I read blogs for TTC,  I’m always thinking about how that person’s TTC cycle might be going with every post so I will add the below to each (I have used the current cycle for the below):

CD Number: 13

Days To/Past Ovulation:  Still no positive OPK but I missed testing a couple of days

Symptom Changes?:  I am cramping pretty tough.  I think maybe I O’d early (like yesterday or today) and missed it with the missed testing…I will continue to take OPKs today but if I don’t have a positive by Sunday… I’ll assume I O’d earlier