Hope

Hope

 

What a weird thing that is.  Hope.  There are all these movies that say hope is one of the greatest assets of the human race.  It can propel you towards goals not physically possible without it.  I guess up until IF I agreed with this whole heartedly.  Being an open realist, I never had much idea how much closeted optimism I house.  I think it’s mostly because of faith.  Everything I’ve seen of God and his touch in my life has made me full of hope, love, and charity.  At least I think that’s true…hope that’s true.  There is another side to hope though.  It is pretty much uncontrollable for instance.  I have been going through cycle after cycle (after cycle) without much of it.  I mean still sad sometimes don’t get me wrong but a sarcastic (if not bitter) “pretty much what I expected” thought with every recurring CD 1. 

Today, out of nowhere hope rears her pretty little head and says “What CD are you on?” and then “Doesn’t it seem different this month?”.   I have been doing an absolutely stellar job of not obsessing.  I have a fairly good idea of when I ovulated this month and am about 50/50 on whether the baby dance was done in that window.  This cycle I am full of “Eh…whatever”.  Now she says “what if you are pregnant right now?” and it does not feel good to hear it.  There was a time when I would think “what if I’m pregnant?” and get all kinds of great fluttery happy feelings everywhere but that time seems like forever ago.  I believe I may have sent that question to die with “What if you’re NOT pregnant LIKE ALWAYS and you start thinking you are again??”  Yep, shot it dead. 

The hope.  I missed it and at the same time was glad to see the peak of hope go so that I might try to live on through the valley of disappointment.  Anyway, here it is today without any prompting from me.  There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can’t undo hope, she does what she wants.  All I can do is pray that she is right, if not now…eventually.

 

Until we meet again…

Epic

 

I’ve been thinking (you probably see that I tend to do too much of that).  There is an epic amount of everything in IF.  Don’t you think so?  It seems like there’s just too much of every damn thing.  It’s too much heartbreak, too much sorrow, too much hope, too much monotony.  Looking for a rarity in biology, (a 15% chance after 30 and rolling steady downward after that) that is even more rare in your case (for whatever your reasons are) means that we are steadily looking at rules instead of exceptions.  We are even looking at (and analyzing) the hope for those exceptions.  The hope itself is in enormous quantity.

 At the same time that we have these millions of couples out here struggling to conceive, we have millions more (what seem like billions to us) blasting their successful rarities…what we know to be true miracles…in top quality surround sound and 3D pictures to match.  It is a lot.  Epic.  If I had to describe infertility to anyone in one word, that would be it.  Everything about it is huge.  All things going into it and coming out of it (whether you end up with a baby or not) are gargantuan. Every baby on the planet and in the womb is somehow in the mix. Them and everything about conception HAS to be in the mix. 

 Millions of sperm (if you’re lucky), one egg (if you’re lucky), and one hope for a purposeful meeting of the two…and finally you watching it not happen as many times as it takes or until you (or your body) give up.  I have had around 55 unsuccessful cycles. 55.  FIFTY FIVE.  I have a lot of patience and I still believe I have a lot of faith but the truth is I might not have enough of ANYTHING to keep my sanity against the enormous epic of EVERYTHING that is infertility. 

Thank God it’s not me alone.  This is where I pray because I need something more than I got to fight for what I want.

 

Till next time…

 

Things you do...

There’s a juxtaposition of infertility and life.  When you start it just seems that it will be a part of your life…not adjacent to it.  My life runs a course that includes infertility but it is somehow a state of being totally separate from me.  Let’s take today for example.  I am CD 3, marginally uncomfortable, irritable and carrying about 5 lbs of water weight.  So not a happy camper even if I wasn’t trying to conceive because as you can see from previous posts, my period generally sucks rotten eggs.  I am carrying a wistful type of sorrow as an old friend of mine (a doctor actually) is pregnant with her third child.  She is over the moon happy about it and I don’t feel bitter about that…just kind of achy in old places.  I have not used opks in a couple of months because frankly there is no need but I am thinking maybe I should start temping (feels a little bit redundant but such is the life of us cycle hounds).

 Anyhow, at the same time as all of the above, I am pretty busy at work during this portion of the month.  Also in the middle of my three month goal check process (I assess professional goals for myself every quarter on my own) in an attempt to make strides toward a project management role I’ve wanted pretty much my whole life.  I am exercising four or five times a week and getting ready for a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Can you see a clear separation of my psyche?  There is a duality of thought here that creates a million dimensions to my entire being. That is on its best day…tiring.  I am not aware of consciously deciding on courses of action based on whether I get pregnant or not.  I don’t really think I do that (not anymore at least which is kind of sad).  I think I try to get pregnant but live my life beside/adjacent of trying to get pregnant.  Does that make sense?  I don’t prepare my life to get pregnant. I am professionally going up mountains as if I hadn’t even considered something so ulterior to my professional and physical goals as a baby but I am trying (though failing) diligently every single day to throw a baby in there.  It never leaves my mind.  So, I’ve concluded that life is just one of those things…it’s one of those things IF people do while they try to get pregnant.  Go figure.

So...yeah

I forgot about ovulation.  I did.  Like not on purpose…not the “relax and let live” then do all but bulls eye the date in your mind technique.  I know that I haven’t ovulated yet…but I have not counted and seen when I WILL ovulate.  Every time I say “Ok, I need to see what day I ovulate”  I never actually make it to the calendar.  Unfortunately, this is not the what will be will be acceptance that would be a step in the right direction.  I am simply too tired to count.  I am not misdirecting myself from the calendar or trying to think of other things to stop myself from counting…I am simply exhausted of counting and cataloging.  I am overcome with heavy tiredness whenever I attempt to count.  All of this might be good if it also meant I cared less…just a little less…whether I get pregnant or not.  Of course this is not the case,  every fiber still wants to be pregnant, every announcement still stings this cycle BUT I simply do not have the energy needed to go into the routine.  What does that mean I wonder?  Is this going to be a new state of being?  Will I now be forced to endure the cross purposes of desire and exhaustion?  As I am typing this I know I will figure out when I ovulate today but I am worried that the reason for this tiredness is that…I don’t want to try.  I am really tired of trying.  I can’t be tired of trying because I’m nowhere near giving up.  My innerself and my body are in completely different places (not unusual in the fertility world) and I have no idea how to get them on the same page.  I’m just so damn tired.

Doctor’s appointment and other mumbling updates

My doctor’s appointment went fine.  I mean at least he didn’t say “Just relax”.  As I said at the end of the 2013 year, the first test will be my husband’s.  I just had an “Is everything still fine with me” check.  Then we will get into fun tests like HSG.  I’m sure you can hear the mild sarcasm overlaying this post already…PMS *sigh*.  Anyway, we are scheduling that test in a couple of weeks and I will keep you updated on the results.  The hard part is trying to time an SA test while TTC because of the rules of the test and the amount of BDing needed in the TTC realm.  We are scheduling it around when I ovulate so that we are sure to be done with our TTC round for the cycle but not too far to upset the test, so more than likely it will be Wed the 5^th of February.  At which point, I hope we have excellent news.

I am officially on the wagon of weight loss and will not be deterred.  My jump off to a lifestyle over haul is a 30 day challenge at eating “clean”.  I’m not exactly sticking to all the rules because…well…I just don’t agree with all of them BUT I am eating a significantly less amount of processed foods and have increased my water in-take by a billion.  I will not give up cheese…just…will…NOT… and I don’t think it’s necessary for my particular goals anyway.  I have worked out every day so far and have until February 13^th on the jump start challenge.  If I am not pregnant by the end of this year (**quick prayer** lord please, if it’s in thy will let me see the end of 2014 pregnant) I will at least be AT my weight loss goal.

Hm…thought I had more to say.  Guess not.  Stay thirsty my friends J

Something New

HELLO 2014!!

 

In reading over the last of my posts for 2013,  I am slightly horrified at the bleak outlook on fertility and life in general.  I am a realist sure, but not a pessimist.  I hereby declare that gloom cycle past for now.  It’s a new year, tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment for wellness as well as fertility.  We are marching on toward victory…I can FEEL it J  My husband has a new job and his mood is through the roof excited, I can’t help but catch a bit of his good cheer.  Did I say how much I love that man?  Wind beneath my wings he is…

 

Anyway, what’s going on with me?  Not much, I’m going back to my health wagon that I slipped (Ok maybe I jumpedJ) off of a few months back.  I’ve gained 10 lbs of the previous 30 lost back and I’m not happy about the back track because I have quite a ways to go BUT at least I don’t have to start all the way over.   As far as fertility, I made the appointment with a local OBGYN.  I needed a change in doctors and this one comes recommended from a friend.  That’s as far as I have gotten.  I am praying and hoping (in that order) to hear a string of good news from whatever doctors we have to see.  In the meantime, I’ve taken a black marker to my diet.  I am usually a proponent of everything in moderation BUT I’ll have to work my way back there.  My love of potato chips has edged toward obsession and we need some time apart.  This is also true of red wine (I love my wine), cheese, and potatoes.  These things have to be cut out for a time until I can have them in suitable portions without withdrawal symptoms J

On another note, my mom (who is just awesomeness) has let me know that she can’t wait for more grandchildren.  This is great!  I know some people would find this sounds like pressure but that’s just not how my mom means it.  She has told me she would be completely content if I never got pregnant again.  She loves her grandchildren but I don’t think she ever saw me as a mother of 3 or 4.  I am an only child and until I had the twins…I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married or have kids.  I think she was worried I would be overwhelmed or lose myself or something like that.  Now that the twins are getting older (going to be 13 this year L)…I think she can see how nice it will be to have a young child around again.  Also, it’s very different from when I last became pregnant, payday and I have been together for a decade.  Married for almost eight years, good stable jobs, complete education…and (I think this might be the biggest thing) she’s older.  She was too young to be a grandmother when I made her one but NOW is the time her grandmother clock has started ticking.  I love the sound.  My mom is the best woman I have ever known.  She loves God, is honest and true to herself.  She put me first and I remember loving to see the look on her face when she turned around and saw me.  She lit up.

It says something to me now that she is so proud of me and wants to watch me mother more children.  I guess that’s it for today folks.  I’ll post about my doctor appointment by the end of the week!

 

 

What if it's him?

 

Let’s talk about male factor infertility.  So,  while we do not know for sure what is causing our infertility, the last news we received was about a low sperm count for DH.  We had botched the test and did the baby dance too close to the testing date so we are not sure how accurate the results were at that time.  The first test we do in 2014 will be an SA.  As of right now, we have no reason to believe more testing is needed on my side.  So with all that,  I have been reading some blogs that specify male factor infertility.  All I can say is…I’m discouraged.  Every blog that I have read so far that ended in pregnancy only did so through IVF…sometimes of donor sperm.  That just sucks for my situation.  For us, adoption is not an option that we would want to pursue.  I have children from my first marriage which my DH has basically raised as his own and would adopt in a second.  My DH has no biological children of his own, that’s the point of TTC…we have no children together.  We wouldn’t want donor sperm.  Finally,  IVF is so expensive it would take years to save up for it…then it might not even work?? 

In short, there is really nothing that I can do.  If it is a male factor issue…we will just have to go with our options.  Still sucks.  There is always a possibility (a pretty good one in fact) that his next SA will turn out fine, in which case, none of the above matters.  Also, as anyone in the TTC world would tell you, it only takes one.  I am trying to be hopeful here because I am very near the end of patient and sane thinking.  It is difficult to go on with regular life when your hope of something you have wanted for so long has started to leave you.  The worst part is with my payday.  I don’t think he can talk about it with anyone.  If it was me,  I would have plenty of female support and resources…he has no one.  All of his male relatives have fathered children without trying much.  He wants to be a dad so badly and though he is an eternal optimist (go figure with him marrying the opposite), I know he would be crushed if he was never able to get me pregnant.

So, I have reminded myself for the millionth time that God would never put on me more than I can bear.  And said this prayer :

Thank you lord for all my blessings and your continued presence in my life.  Thank you for all that I have and don’t deserve.  Thank you for my twins growing up healthy and happy preteens.  Thank you for my miscarried little one that was so hard for me at the time but has shown me your miracles. Lord help me, help me be better and take the lessons you have to teach.  Help me not to break down.  Help me to be thankful in my spirit when my heart is breaking.  And if it be they will, lord show me the light at the end of this tunnel.  

In Jesus’ name,

Amen