Microblog Monday!

Only working two days in the office this week!  Oh yeah…to Vegas we go!  Will this controlled, slightly OCD but lovable neurotic lady be able to let her hair down?  Stay tuned J #microblogmonday

Paid Time Off

So, vacation she’s a coming.  Next week  Payday and I will take us a trip to the adventurous desert of Las Vegas.  Our first vacation alone…for five days…in the middle of the two week wait.  Yes momma likes this!   This week I feel like I just want to have fun.  Don’t worry, I’ve been here before…the stress will return but right now…I’ve lost 30 pounds and I want to just enjoy my marriage and my life.   I am hoping a vacation from infertility thoughts is coming too…at least for a day of that week.   Do the infertile get vacations?  Real ones?  I mean…we should have some PTO…I’ve been at the job of being infertile much longer than my current professional position J  I don’t know if I get a day off but after 5 years…I’m going to try sneaking out the back.  Who knows maybe I’ll get promoted and the BRB will no longer be the boss of me at all.

Till next time…

Dreams

My blog is apparently getting a lot of love this month.  I had the craziest dream last night.  No, I’m not pregnant.  Incidentally, isn't it weird how you train yourself to state the answer to “Are you pregnant?” without being asked?  Anytime something happens to me that might be said is a pregnancy symptom, I usually sigh and answer before someone asks me that question.  As an IF person, you pretty much always know whether you are pregnant or not so the question is just agonizing to hear.  I digress.  Anyway, this dream was about a positive pregnancy test (of course).   It was so REAL.  I knew the pregnancy test would be positive in the dream.  My dreams are usually like that (where I know what will happen) and sometimes I even know I’m dreaming.  A psychologist would say something to do with me needing to control things or some such nonsense but I had HORRIFIC night terrors that actually grew up with me till about 13.  I learned how to “control” my dreams.  Otherwise, I would be scaring my parents to death crying/screaming/fighting in my sleep all night. 

This dream wasn't one that I knew I was dreaming while I was dreaming.  That’s what made it so real.  It was in our current home…that’s not normal of my dreams either. I don’t know if it’s some kind of defense mechanism or something but normally my dreams happen at some place I’ve seen before or been before.  Rarely do they involve my current dwelling…adding to the realness.  The test looked real, my family was at my home and payday was coming to the door as I was running out to show him the test.  I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest and shaking all over.  It’s exactly the way I (and both twins might I add) wake up from nightmares.  It wasn’t fear…it’s hard to describe.  It was like excruciatingly vivid.  Then when I woke up, it was like my body…my whole self was still holding the dream.  Dramatic I know, but that’s as close as I can get.  I’m about to cry with what I’m about to type.  I’ve said I believed before only to return to my depressed “It probably won’t happen” state of being.  This dream…while I was in it…and while I am remembering it.  I believe.  I will be pregnant again.

Till next time…

We have a date set

The date for the urologist appointment is set.  September 15^th is the day.  We are hoping to get all payday’s testing done that day.  Incidentally, he and I had one of the best conversations we have ever had about trying to conceive.  I let him know almost all my frustrations with the process.    He is a man of few words let me tell you …this is the most words we’ve had about this subject in a long time.  I am a kind of straight forward girl and payday (even with his tough exterior) has a “please handle gently” sign in plain sight on this particular subject.  I have felt in the past like I am going into his flowers and sunshine setting and pulling the curtain up so he can see a little of the realistic view I have to endure each cycle.   It is completely unfair and an act of desperation but I can’t seem to stop myself every few years from saying…do you not see how HARD this is?  Do you have any idea what our chances are now compared to what they were when we started this?  These questions along with a healthy dose of resentment for taking THIS much time to have tests done and for watching as I zoom through all the invasive testing only to have us stall completely at your ONE test. 

Not thinking of how very scared he may be to find out he has something wrong, not thinking that it’s kind of beautiful that he doesn’t know some of the awful statistics, not thinking that his faith is sometimes all that keeps me sane…yes, I know don’t line up all at once boys.  I’m just such a great catch. Anyway, we discussed all this and he simply said from this point forward we will treat trying to conceive as the priority it has always been in each of our minds and hearts.  That guy…that guy…that’s exactly why he’s my guy.  So we started with scheduling an appointment for the neighborhood urologist.   Let’s see what we find out if anything.

**SIDE NOTE – After not testing for a thousand years, I tested early this cycle (Today, 13DPO…yeah, I know not early by most standards) even though all my symptoms of AF were the same or worse (see previous post to this one).  I tested with a digital because you know…I like to kill my hope with a head shot.  Not pregnant, just as I suspected.  CD1 should be tomorrow as planned.  Yeah, this is the way I give an update…sorry so bitter**

Till next time

Crazy little thing

It’s so crazy how hope works.  All of my symptoms are the same this month.  Actually this is one of my “worse” months.  Like I have said previously, pretty much all my cycles are the same.  Sometimes though I have what I call “worse odd” cycles.  These are cycles where there is an increase in my “bad symptoms” and the “good symptoms” lessen or stay the same.  Don’t judge me…hear me out.  So a bad symptom is like AF similar cramping, spotting (I never spot), diarrhea.  These symptoms are bad because they are conducive to a hard period (yes even harder than normal) or if by some miracle I am pregnant…the unthinkable… another miscarriage.  The “good” symptoms are sore boobs, frequent urination, and fatigue.  These are symptoms that don’t affect me too bad during my period and would not drive me into a state of frenzy if I found out I was pregnant.  You get where I’m going?  We all know my period is probably coming but in “worse” months my period is probably coming with a vengeance.  That’s if I’m lucky…if I am unlucky… I might be pregnant after 5 years and looking down at a probable miscarriage.  Can you guess how I feel when my cramping is severe early and steady?  I’m sure you can so I’ll move on.  This is a “worse” month.  All of my PMS symptoms have been exact…on point…just like any regular girl can expect but the end of last week I started to feel like my period was coming on any day.  Of course it didn’t, I’m rarely early and never late but it filled me with…what do you think?  Foreboding?  Misery?  Disdain?  No silly…hope.  Is that the craziest crap you ever heard or what?

I’ve been here before.  Over the past 5 years I haven’t had THAT many “worse” months (Thank God!)  but mostly I cry and cry on the inside because I know it’s over…but a few of those times I have this silly hope.  Like out of nowhere I think “Worse is not the same” or I think “there are hormonal changes happening”.  And then even scarier, I feel like I can’t expect to see my period or a negative test.  It’s like I’m a bird who has this incredible mountain to jump off of until I can fly.  Several times I have jumped off the mountain and broken something but then I discovered a way to at least land on the ground without hurting myself too badly.  When this crazy hope comes, I throw that way to fall…the way I know is the ONLY safe way to fall…I throw that right out of the window.  I can’t think of that way to fall now because I am so FULL of visions that say…fly.  You can only fly.   I know better in my brain…but my heart…my poor, poor heart.

Till next time…

The Weight of it

The thing about being overweight and trying to conceive is that people assume THAT’S the reason why you are not conceiving.  It’s visual…something they can see clearly as a defect.  In fact, they assume it so much you actually start to believe it too no matter how much you know its other factors. So I’ll stop being a baby and tell you what this post is about.  I am steadily decreasing my weight…maybe steadily is the wrong word; probably rapidly is the right one.  It’s not on purpose. Ha! … Ok what a douche-girl thing to say.  Of course it’s on purpose, I didn’t think it would be happening this fast but to say I’m not delighted would be throwing another stone into the “hypocrisy of females” bucket so…yes I’m losing weight on purpose but surprisingly faster than I ever thought I could…and I love it. However, it’s not exactly healthy.  Somehow (of course I know how…don’t badger me with reality) I have transferred a butt load of obsessive energy over to fitness…errr…weight loss…err discipline, ok that word feels the most true…discipline.  That in itself is not bad right?  Just a healthy task to escape from the monotonous torture of obsessing over something I have absolutely no control over…not even the illusion of control.  Everyone needs a distraction from something like that am I right? 

Well yeah, but…see I have too much discipline right now.  I am working out…a lot and I am barely hungry.  I am no psychologist but I have no interest in developing an eating disorder because of control issues.  On top of that, I have to remind myself that I got pregnant at a whopping 25lbs heavier than I am now and I ovulate regularly…always have.  I have actually been told though “once you get that weight off you will get pregnant”.  That hurt because it came from somewhere loving and the person had no idea how wrong they were or how much they were implying our infertility is my fault.  Is the fault of my lack of control…you get where I’m going with this?  I am a burier of feeling from WAY back.  If this new found “discipline” of mine actually has roots in that seedling of ugly insecurity…I could see how it could get out of hand.  I love food you see…fried chicken, mashed potatoes…any and everything with cheese.  The previous true sentence is what makes the next true sentence shocking. I have no desire to eat and have had none for almost a month.  No one call the feds…I have been eating.  I never eat less than 3 square meals a day and I usually take down some fruit or nuts in between.  All the meals have at least a protein and vegetables in suggested serving amounts…I’m not in eating disorder land physically BUT my mind is playing tricks on me.  I like that I’m losing weight quickly…I am seeing numbers I haven’t seen for years on the scale and so I am hopping on it…hopping on it a lot.  DANGER! Red flag…I have obsessive tendencies (yes there’s a much harsher way to say that but I will be gentle with myself this one day) and the thing I’ve been most obsessive over…in ALL my life…is infertility.  If that obsessiveness is transferred to my body image, that won’t be good. I am concerned because I am now working out 6 times a week…and I am having to set up reminders to eat because I am NOT hungry.  I need to lose weight sure…and let’s be honest, it probably couldn’t HURT fertility to get my BMI in normal range but where is the line on how to get there?  Did I cross it? Worse…did I even draw it?  Hmmmm

Till next time

The blogging continues

I have been a sad, sad blogger for the past couple of months.  There just has not been much to report.  After all of my hoopla and hollering during my last post, me and payday haven’t done anything proactive on the TTC front recently.  We went on a family vacation that was extremely needed.  I had a great time on the beach and it was great to get relaxed with so much family surrounding us.  Of course, the old TTC witch doesn’t like vacations, she says “look how much bigger the kids are than all the others!  They are about to be 13 years old! Will you and your love every have babies together?”  Anyway, I’m proud to say those were only whispers in what was an otherwise fabulously awesome beach vacation.  We got back and it’s been business as usual.

 Is it possible to have something you always think about but never have time for?  My mom would say no…that if you really wanted something you made time.  I guess I believe her, I do really want this but maybe I’ve made my peace with this level of rejection and do not wish to move to the “scientific” rejection stage.  Needles don’t scare me but doctor’s nonchalantly discussing “chances” and “best case scenarios” give me the friggin willies.  I think when a doctor tells you something, you must deal with it.  I am a person who faces adversity/challenges head on.  I have never been able to understand a person running from something they are going to have to deal with.  Always seemed futile, you are literally running for the sake of running and the problem still persists.  Well, now I get that.  Sure the problem still persists BUT I don’t have to look at it do I? Investigate it? No thanks.   It’s like closing your eyes when you take medicine from your mom. Even though closing your eyes actually makes the medicine taste worse (what with the extra sensory input from your taste buds and nose because of the sight being gone) ,  it is so much better than watching her hand with that pool of colored liquid make its way toward your face.

The thing is, this time there may be nothing but that steady creep of hand toward my face.  No promises that once you take this you will feel better or this will take care of the problem.  In fact, the hand with the medicine is saying you have to take this and taste all of it but it may or may not make you better.  You might be that “sick”.   And then even worse…at least to me…”You are too sick to be cured but I have no idea what’s wrong with you”.  You want to talk about mountains of fear?  That’s my Everest.  I guess I better get climbing if I want to look in the mirror and believe I am who I say am.  At the very least, I need to be me (no more no less) no matter what the outcome of this journey may be.

 

Stay thirsty my friends