#Microblog Monday

My husband was singing in the shower this morning.  I went into the bedroom to get my laptop and I smiled while I listened silently. I'm working from home today so I headed back to my "office" but I just thought...He's happy.  That's such a wonderful thing.  It's a wonderful thing to hear your husband happy enough to sing.  It's a blessing to still be this much in love after almost a decade of marriage and I'm just so grateful for it.

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Microblog Monday

Happy Monday

Las Vegas

Man is that a PARTY town!!  We had a blast though.  I especially enjoyed old vegas…I felt like I was in the movie casino.  There were a couple of nights where payday and I actually got up to go out at one or two in the morning…I don’t think I’ve EVER done that in my life.  I’ve never been a club person even in my twenties but hanging out in the casino in the wee hours is kind of awesome J  The night of the Mayweather fight was mayhem and greatness all around.  Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of our little place on the strip.  Oh…I am afraid of heights to the tenth degree so these were all taken by payday:

We didn't lose any money so I guess that’s all you can really hope for in that town.  I loved it but...Our next trip will hopefully be on a beach somewhere with the main adventure being lying face up.  

Till next time…

Just Plain Weird

So today…a stunning four days early…AF shows.  It is by far the weirdest cycle in my how many ever years of... well...of watching my cycle.   I started getting what felt exactly like ovulation cramps around CD 8.  I didn’t even log it because it was just…unheard of…I just dismissed it as regular cramps still echoing from the cycle that ended a day or two before but now it looks like, I actually did ovulate around CD 9 or 10 (If what they say about your luteal phase staying the same is true.)  It is also weird that though I am cramping and there is enough blood for me to know, there’s no chance it’s a pregnancy…its nowhere near my usual horror show.  It’s like my aunt flo sent her younger sister aunt trickle lol.  Nobody get up in arms...if it had been the littlest sister (I'll call her Aunt spot), I would have been ready to whip out a test already.  Believe me, it's enough of a show to be the real thing. Also, I would call the cramps "regular" not light.  My cramping is just normally like something you see in Alien so to me it's less.  Oh well…maybe something’s changing in there and my next cycle will be the lucky one.

I will post separately about my vacation J

Till next time

Microblog Monday!

Only working two days in the office this week!  Oh yeah…to Vegas we go!  Will this controlled, slightly OCD but lovable neurotic lady be able to let her hair down?  Stay tuned J #microblogmonday

Paid Time Off

So, vacation she’s a coming.  Next week  Payday and I will take us a trip to the adventurous desert of Las Vegas.  Our first vacation alone…for five days…in the middle of the two week wait.  Yes momma likes this!   This week I feel like I just want to have fun.  Don’t worry, I’ve been here before…the stress will return but right now…I’ve lost 30 pounds and I want to just enjoy my marriage and my life.   I am hoping a vacation from infertility thoughts is coming too…at least for a day of that week.   Do the infertile get vacations?  Real ones?  I mean…we should have some PTO…I’ve been at the job of being infertile much longer than my current professional position J  I don’t know if I get a day off but after 5 years…I’m going to try sneaking out the back.  Who knows maybe I’ll get promoted and the BRB will no longer be the boss of me at all.

Till next time…

Dreams

My blog is apparently getting a lot of love this month.  I had the craziest dream last night.  No, I’m not pregnant.  Incidentally, isn't it weird how you train yourself to state the answer to “Are you pregnant?” without being asked?  Anytime something happens to me that might be said is a pregnancy symptom, I usually sigh and answer before someone asks me that question.  As an IF person, you pretty much always know whether you are pregnant or not so the question is just agonizing to hear.  I digress.  Anyway, this dream was about a positive pregnancy test (of course).   It was so REAL.  I knew the pregnancy test would be positive in the dream.  My dreams are usually like that (where I know what will happen) and sometimes I even know I’m dreaming.  A psychologist would say something to do with me needing to control things or some such nonsense but I had HORRIFIC night terrors that actually grew up with me till about 13.  I learned how to “control” my dreams.  Otherwise, I would be scaring my parents to death crying/screaming/fighting in my sleep all night. 

This dream wasn't one that I knew I was dreaming while I was dreaming.  That’s what made it so real.  It was in our current home…that’s not normal of my dreams either. I don’t know if it’s some kind of defense mechanism or something but normally my dreams happen at some place I’ve seen before or been before.  Rarely do they involve my current dwelling…adding to the realness.  The test looked real, my family was at my home and payday was coming to the door as I was running out to show him the test.  I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest and shaking all over.  It’s exactly the way I (and both twins might I add) wake up from nightmares.  It wasn’t fear…it’s hard to describe.  It was like excruciatingly vivid.  Then when I woke up, it was like my body…my whole self was still holding the dream.  Dramatic I know, but that’s as close as I can get.  I’m about to cry with what I’m about to type.  I’ve said I believed before only to return to my depressed “It probably won’t happen” state of being.  This dream…while I was in it…and while I am remembering it.  I believe.  I will be pregnant again.

Till next time…

We have a date set

The date for the urologist appointment is set.  September 15^th is the day.  We are hoping to get all payday’s testing done that day.  Incidentally, he and I had one of the best conversations we have ever had about trying to conceive.  I let him know almost all my frustrations with the process.    He is a man of few words let me tell you …this is the most words we’ve had about this subject in a long time.  I am a kind of straight forward girl and payday (even with his tough exterior) has a “please handle gently” sign in plain sight on this particular subject.  I have felt in the past like I am going into his flowers and sunshine setting and pulling the curtain up so he can see a little of the realistic view I have to endure each cycle.   It is completely unfair and an act of desperation but I can’t seem to stop myself every few years from saying…do you not see how HARD this is?  Do you have any idea what our chances are now compared to what they were when we started this?  These questions along with a healthy dose of resentment for taking THIS much time to have tests done and for watching as I zoom through all the invasive testing only to have us stall completely at your ONE test. 

Not thinking of how very scared he may be to find out he has something wrong, not thinking that it’s kind of beautiful that he doesn’t know some of the awful statistics, not thinking that his faith is sometimes all that keeps me sane…yes, I know don’t line up all at once boys.  I’m just such a great catch. Anyway, we discussed all this and he simply said from this point forward we will treat trying to conceive as the priority it has always been in each of our minds and hearts.  That guy…that guy…that’s exactly why he’s my guy.  So we started with scheduling an appointment for the neighborhood urologist.   Let’s see what we find out if anything.

**SIDE NOTE – After not testing for a thousand years, I tested early this cycle (Today, 13DPO…yeah, I know not early by most standards) even though all my symptoms of AF were the same or worse (see previous post to this one).  I tested with a digital because you know…I like to kill my hope with a head shot.  Not pregnant, just as I suspected.  CD1 should be tomorrow as planned.  Yeah, this is the way I give an update…sorry so bitter**

Till next time