Monday, May 4, 2015

Weird Spaces


First, I have a new job.  Yay, for that!!   I’d like it to be my last new company for a while if God says the same (see my many jobs throughout my infertility timeline).  So far I love it, hopefully there won’t be any layoffs or IT cutbacks.  Anyway, insurance is pretty good except for…wait for it…Infertility!  You guessed didn't you?  Insert large SIGH here.  Although, some of the language is confusing (and I thought I couldn't be confused by infertility benefit language at this point), the best case scenario is we will be responsible for our deductible and 20% of the cost of any infertility treatment with the exception of…wait for it once more…IVF.  There is no coverage at all for IVF no matter which way you read it.  The worst case scenario is that we are responsible for all the costs of everything  up to IVF as well and the only thing offered is a kind of discount program where we use a middle man and they broker a discount with an in network provider.  
Anyway, I’m in this weird head space about it.  I have three years to the big 35 (really less, my 33rd birthday is in September) and I just don’t know how I feel about starting treatments.  I am in this weird, out of feelings space.  Does that make any sense?  I am not even numb, it’s just like…a big I’M OUT OF IDEAS flashing across my brain.  There’s no way feasible to turn in the journey right now.  The ultimate is still true, I want more than anything to produce a child with my payday.  I’m just out of any other feelings about it.  Is it possible to run out of feelings after a long time dealing with something?  In Sex and the City II, Carrie says that “maybe you’re only allotted so many tears per relationship and I've met my quota”.   I feel similar to that except it’s not just the sadness that’s gone…it’s everything.  Yet, I’m not in that magic “if it happens it happens” spot.  I said I would never lie to myself again about that.  So, I guess the truth is (and I’m figuring this out as I type this post) that the reality of the testing we have already done has really hit my brain.  It’s not as bad as it could be but…there’s no point in looking to be pregnant.   There are issues.  They are out of my control.  That’s it.  There’s no extra explanations or investigations of possibilities needed right this second (maybe later on but not right now).  It’s like trying to control your pulse or something, can’t happen and I have entered into the acceptance phase of the grief process.  I can’t make $15,000 appear in our budget for IVF and I can’t change payday’s diagnosis or mine.  So…this is what it is and miraculously life must go on. Weird.

Till next time,