Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Where hope goes to die...the two week wait

Even though it doesn’t seem like it from my gray disposition about them, two week waits are not the torturous time machine they used to be for me.  The first couple of years TTC, I found the time between ovulation and AF arrival a wear on all my nerves.  I tested often and fantasized about how I would tell DH almost every cycle.  I was disappointed month after month and year after year.  I thought what could be worse than a recurring monthly epic failure??  I’ve found what is worse, being resigned to failure.  Being resigned is not the same as “letting go”.  Letting go implies that you have no expectation one way or the other and have released the stress that would normally come with the TWW.  Being resigned means,  I know I will see my AF and I’ve given up believing I won’t see it until…well…until I don’t see it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still HOPE I don’t see it…but I’m resigned to the fact that I probably will.  In a word, that sucks the big one (guess that’s five wordsJ).  I want to whip out tests again and believe with bright fervor that I have as much a chance as any to get pregnant THIS cycle.  I want to turn off my stupid (yet methodical) brain that tells me to look at my symptoms and make the educated guess I have made every month for the last 2 years…It aint happening.  I really despise the two week wait for telling me in no uncertain terms, time and time again, “Brace yourself, epic fail on the horizon yet again”.

This is the way I feel near the end of all my two week waits now.  When symptoms simply progress on in their excruciatingly regular, monotonous way I can’t help but feel as if my body is going on without me.  It’s like that old saying “The world will keep spinning”.  I tick off in my head the DPO and the symptoms to match without any notice to the dull ache that still feels my heart when another cycle is as good as gone.  Another egg gone, the world keeps spinning and cycles keep coming.  In fact, she knocks at the door to come and take my hopes and dreams but she doesn’t even pause to say “I’m sorry”.  She does not hide the heavy foot falls that tell me she is on the way, she is never even late.  She simply shows up, takes what she will…and leaves.  Before she leaves though, she makes an appointment to return and then dares me to make her miss that appointment.  I can still here her laughing as she goes knowing she will be at my door again no matter what I do.


Sorry this is so blue readers, PMS J


I’m sure you can guess without me giving an update but since I said I would:


Same symptoms as always


Friday, October 18, 2013

I survived a baby shower

First,  Sorry for the delay folks…changes at work have kept me quite busy!

So this blog’s title is probably very familiar to most people out their TTC.  Baby showers…the two edge sword.  On the one hand…I LOVE baby showers!  Tiny cute clothes…the newest technology in infant care…great games that revolve around babies…For a lady who wants a baby this is win win right?? 

Well, of course the baby shower makes me think about the one I have NOT had yet.  That’s inevitable.  In my head I can see my shower with all my friends and family there while a big healthy baby moves around in my belly and makes me as physically uncomfortable as possible.  However…it’s only in my head and so it can sometimes affect my attempts to be ecstatic for the mother to be. 

I am glad to report that this was not the case with the baby shower I attended two weeks ago.  My younger cousin is giving birth to a baby girl in…well…any day now!  She was so happy and her S/O was constantly rubbing her belly.  I did think a couple of times “I can’t wait for that” but I was genuinely happy for her.  This is huge.  I have intuitions sometimes, not Long Island Medium intuitions, but little “feeling peeks”.  I call them feeling peeks because it’s not visions of the future or anything but it’s like my spirit gives me a peek into what’s to come.  I can have a really bad feeling that something’s about to happen awful or I can have a great feeling that will make me break out into a smile with no preceding thought to explain it.  I have been getting those a lot lately and I feel…wait for it…like this is a blessing that will come to us.

In this journey, I have thought about everything in my life I have done wrong.  I’ve also thought there is more than sufficient reason for me not to be blessed with another child…I have felt for a while that it wouldn’t happen.  Now, I feel like it will. Not just might…but will.  I would say that what I feel is like grace revealing something to me…not all of it…but enough to tell me to be patient.  My time is coming.  That means the heavy burden of duality with all things baby related is almost completely lifted. I thank God for that.  I did more than survive a baby shower…my heart shone for the mother.  That’s the woman I want to be and I’m glad I was blessed to love on her without bitterness.

This is not to say that I never will deal with that bitterness again.  I hope not but I’m human and I might get inpatient and let something seep back in.  I don’t think so though,  I think now that I feel God whispering so closely to my ear…my spirit is free to be calm.

Next, since as previously discussed…I don’t really talk about my current cycles,  I thought I would place a sort of an update in each of my blog postings.  I know when I read blogs for TTC,  I’m always thinking about how that person’s TTC cycle might be going with every post so I will add the below to each (I have used the current cycle for the below):

CD Number: 13

Days To/Past Ovulation:  Still no positive OPK but I missed testing a couple of days

Symptom Changes?:  I am cramping pretty tough.  I think maybe I O’d early (like yesterday or today) and missed it with the missed testing…I will continue to take OPKs today but if I don’t have a positive by Sunday… I’ll assume I O’d earlier