So after that…we did exactly what we said we wouldn’t do, got right on the phone with our parents and told them we were pregnant. To say they were ecstatic would just be an understatement. I felt fine…mighty fine J I started to have some painful urination and I called my doctor for treatment options for a UTI…we had seen the heartbeat just a week before but I knew…I just knew something was wrong. We got to the office, and she gave me an ultrasound and our little lump’s heart beat no more. It was excruciating and I cried the kind of tears that give you headaches afterward. That’s all I can put to this part…it still hurts to this day. I still pick at the wound with my mind. What did I do? How could I have stopped it? It got easier but somehow not less painful. I thought it meant, we could get pregnant and it was at least a good sign in that way but I still often think “What if the only miracle we get in fertility is the one we can’t hold?” Please God let me hold my miracle.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Sometimes I forget about my miscarriage. That sounds awful to me, like it was somehow not the colossal event it should have been. The thing is I don’t think “forget” is really the word but there’s not really another one that fits. The closest I can come is to say that sometimes…it doesn’t seem like I was ever close. Sometimes I go back through the years and the memorable events in a sort of methodical mental rewind so that my heart can grab on to the realness of being pregnant for that sweet 9 weeks and 1 day. I do not have the date written or cemented anywhere for this exact reason. It will never be one of those memories tossed out of my mind like someone’s name or the outfit of an interesting stranger. I can…right now almost 5 years later…go back to the calendar and find the date through this method because although the date left my mind willingly enough…everything before and after it is crystalized in some sort of infertile slow motion. I can start right now with what I know to be true today skip several years to what I know to be true in 2012…then zoom in until I get to that fateful day in 2009 when I heard the silence in my womb and cried. There literally are no words but somehow…there’s a story.
So we had been trying for almost a year. I was consumed by the craziness of TTC up to that point. I had several tearful CD1s…looking back I imagine if I could have even ever glimpsed what has become of my TTC journey and stayed sane. I guess there’s a reason God does not let us see how hard something will be. Anyway, I was working as an accounting associate at a very stressful and unstable job. It was the height (what I hope was the only peak anyway) of my son’s asthma. It was just a hard time. One day my boss calls me into his office and tells me they are letting me go. They “need more collectors and though you are the best analyst we've ever had we need less analysis and more collections at this time” he says. I am devastated. I call payday and he says for me not to worry and to just come home. I do. When I get there he has food prepared and says he will go get the kids. He tells me to go back to school. He says that I am awesome and I should “get some damn rest for once”. That man of mine J. Anyway, I wipe my tears…decide he is absolutely correct and enroll that day in a local Christian university. I am so happy to be back in school…I can’t even describe it. Payday continues to work, and I am able for the first time in years to pick my kids up from school not daycare! They are in second grade now…and oh the drama J I love every second of it, can’t really believe I’ve been missing this for a paycheck and a boss that yells too much. The weeks go on and I feel like I can breathe from trying to conceive right now. I’m laid off…back in school…nobody (even me) would expect us to be trying to have a baby right now.
Then what do you know…just like all the saps who don’t mean us any harm but cut us to the quick anyway say…it happened while I was least expecting it. I am a couple of days late…weird. If there is anyone out there who started at the beginning of this blog they know…it’s more than weird. It’s pretty near unbelievable. I am never ever late. So, I get up the next morning and take a test and it’s positive. I run out jump on the bed to a bleary eyed payday and exclaim “We did it! Oh my God…he did it! We did it…we are going to have a baby!!!!” It takes him several seconds to blink away whatever dream he was in the midst of and then his whole face…his whole being lit up..”Are you sure?”…I hand him the test, kiss him…go snatch some cash and head to the local drug store. 15 minutes later we are looking at 3 tests and two digital all confirming that…there is a miracle in my belly. I’m going to leave you with that today. This is a two part story if there ever was one but mostly…I want to leave you with that picture because I want to separate it from what comes next. Right now, at this part of the story I get to be something I haven’t had a chance to be again afterward so far…pregnant.