Friday, November 28, 2014


When I first started this infertility journey, I (like most people) just thought it would be a trying to conceive journey.  I thought it might take a few months, maybe even a whole year (heaven forbid!) but if I lent myself to the research and to the diligent schedule I had created…we’d be pregnant.  The first few months were already a bucket of cold water in the face.  How have I had a cycle all my life with only a dim idea of how the whole thing works?  I became…well…obsessed.  It was my every waking thought, all events, all ideas, buzzed around trying to conceive like little insect nuisances to a large elephant.  Around 6 months, I found an online community (it no longer exists but I still have a tight friendship with most of the original group through FB) that I could pour my obsession into instead of letting it drown my life.  At that time (it seems like a billion years ago now), I spilled all of everything to my group.  I was so completely naive about these women, some of them had already been trying for a year or two before I joined and I remember when I got pregnant…having the thought that I was “finally” pregnant…that it was such a long and arduous journey, that I could never go through a whole ELEVEN cycles of trying again (even though we had only really been paying attention about half that time) and how glad I was that it was OVER. 

Then I miscarried. It was a devastating time for payday and I but I got through it and a lot of it had to do with my infertility group at the time.  They were there and I needed them and I loved them.  We have drifted, most of them have had second (and some third) children while my journey still continues on and at some points over the last four years since the miscarriage, it’s been hard to be around the original community that helped me so much in those days.  I still love all the women there and over the last year I have come back to the group almost to full daily participation as I did in the “old” days.  I am glad for that, really glad about that growth.  I have found over the last two years that it is important to keep in contact with ladies who are still trying or who talk of how tough trying to conceive was when they were, often and without shame.  I don’t ever want to lose the community because I won’t ever forget the struggle no matter how it ends.  I appreciate the people letting their emotions out in their blogs with rawness and humor (secondvoice) as well as those who would never shy away from the topic of infertility (lollipop Goldstein), and those who have so much faith it inspires you to have more (induetime).  There are so many that I read diligently and I can’t name them all but if you write about IF…I hope you know you are a part of a community that (baby or not) I will always be at home in.

Stay thirsty my friends,

Monday, November 24, 2014



D DAY…or RE day if you want to call it that.  Appointment is set.  Let the lord’s will be done.


Monday, November 17, 2014

The blindside

I like to think of myself as progressing through this journey and continuing to grow (more or less) despite the many pitfalls involved.  My character is very important to me and I have always viewed character as a word entwined with spirituality.  I am not perfect…nowhere near it.  I just mean that I try to be aware when I am being petty, jealous, or unjust.  Even if the feeling is taking me over at the moment, I try very hard to be aware that I have given into that feeling and that I am behaving or feeling a way that is not in line with the character traits I am growing toward.  I might still go on feeling that way, but once the mirror is up I will eventually make strides to change the reflection.  I can say with God’s help, I have managed to stop feeling sorry for myself sometimes instantly because of this way of…growing.  Then, there are the blind side times.  When it seems to me that in that instance God is being cruel to me.  It is a terrible feeling and one I find it hard to reconcile.  God’s love is refining…I know this.  It may be as harsh as it is gentle but it is always the best for you because all things work together for the good of those that love the lord.  Again, I know this in theory and in practice but sometimes…the surprise of it.  So here’s what happened. 

A couple of months ago (I know it’s taken me a while to write about it) my SIL invited me and payday out for happy hour.  It was so needed at the time because payday and I had been running nonstop after our trip to Vegas and hadn't had any time with other couples since before the trip.  We went and we were having tacos and drinks at this great place with a great patio.  The weather was nice and we were outside just talking about our trip and laughing at so many jokes.  It was going so great, and then SIL got a phone call about another couple on their way.  We knew this couple too and so it was just a more the merrier kind of feeling.  Well, they arrived…with their newborn.  My eyes literally welled up.  I am always a little bit more emotional after a couple of cocktails and I was PMSing pretty tough too but most of it was…I wasn't expecting it.  I wasn't prepared for all the newborn talk, for the congratulations all around, for holding the baby of such a good friend of the family, for any of it.  I felt awful for feeling the way I did of course, babies are SUCH a blessing.  I truly was/am happy for them.  I just was not prepared.  My mind was a complete other place. Adult time = Safe.  I am going to be safe at happy hour for a couple of hours and then I just…wasn't.  Of course they asked the dreaded “so when are you guys gonna pop one out?”.  Looking back, I did amazingly well.  I did not shed one tear, I said “we’re working on it” with a smile.  There were some jokes with innuendo and I excused myself to the bathroom where I took huge breaths of air and wiped my face until my heart got into some type of pattern I could control.

The blind side still messes me up.  I have not grown that far where this is concerned.  I think about it afterwards and I know that my reaction is not right.  I know that babies and pregnancy are not going anywhere and God does not want this envy, this sadness attached to someone else’s miracle.  A woman after God’s own heart has room for the happiness of others.  When it hits me upside the head though…it takes me much longer to see how I should grow from it.  I know now (almost two months later) that the way I react when I am bombarded…off my guard…that’s the real way I feel.  I know that this is the place that needs to change, that needs to grow in order for me to have peace no matter what the outcome of this journey may be.  Another look at my insides in the mirror and I don’t like what I see so, I'll work on it with the almighty.

Till Next Time...

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Over myself and feel eh...

I have seriously not been in the mood to write.  Well…I have written several unfinished blog posts but have been only mildly interested in completing the thoughts the posts contain.  I am not forcing myself to write now…well, not exactly anyway.  I guess I felt like saying hi but not much else so…hi J

Till next time