Tuesday, December 30, 2014

It's that time again

There is a prerequisite to the mandatory course that is my period.  I call it my cramping 101.  During my actual period I have cramping that is akin to contractions.  The kind you might have if you were pregnant with a 25 pound two headed godzilla like creature with razor sharp teeth that bite you from the inside.  This is not an over exaggeration, in fact…I may be sugar coating a little.  So obviously…THAT sucks but what sucks even more (if you can even believe it’s possible to up the scale of sucky at this point) are my cramping 101 pains.  I have described the KNOWING that my period is coming.  I talked about this in my “Tales of a Regular girl” post but the cramping itself…it deserves it’s own post.  So, here we go with the 101s, the alpha, the beginning.  What makes them so awful is that they are the SAME…always.  They bring with them some diarrhea and nausea. I can actually feel the uterus contracting, not with the excruciating pain that it will have as a partner in a couple of days but...with a feeling I can only describe as "Yuck".  I always feel like someone poured a bucket of water into all my pores and the 101’s are attempting to run them through some kind of collision course with all available exits.  It’s an awful overall feeling and it occurs every single month, on time, and without fail. 

I would add that I have  pretty high tolerance for pain.  With the twins, I remember women telling me “Contractions are like cramps but ten times worse”.  I thought, “oh well, surely I’ll die or pass out then”.  At that time, I didn’t know my period was any different from anyone else’s.  I learned later that most of my friends pitied my monthly blood and guts horror show.  That people actually use panty liners as pads (I sincerely thought this was a myth) and that girls take tylenol then cramps disappear like bunny rabbits into a hat.  I’m not bitter…ok, sometimes a little.  The beginning of this revelation was my labor with the twins.  I kept waiting for The Pain.  I dilated 6 centimeters before baby girl turned breach requiring a c section.  I mean I felt something but it wasn’t even a distant blurry comparison to my period cramps.  According to the doctor my contractions were “intense” enough for both babies to be delivered vaginally (had they both cooperated with the plan) but I was asking could I please have a burger right up to the operating table.  So not ten times stronger than MY period pain, not a tenth OF my period pain, just a vaguely uncomfortable feeling I liken to having a decent amount of gas. That was 13 years ago and I've given birth painfully and bitterly to only a uterine lining ever since. Of course, I'm not alone in the pain of giving birth every month to only a uterine lining, and though I wouldn't wish IF on anyone...not being alone helps.

I said all that to say,  there is no mistaking 101s for round ligament pain or early pregnancy cramping. When the 101s begin…it’s already over.

P.S. Of course I had to create this post while 101s are in session to make sure I captured all their glory.

Till next time

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The clan queen gets dyed

The HCG went well and the overall conclusion is everything looks normal.  Tubes are definitely clear.  Now, there were some funky bits.  Apparently, along with my uterus being retroverted (I already knew this from many annual exams) it also tilts to the right.  This might be the result of the fibroid he found in my ultrasound.   I find it kind of funny that my uterus apparently goes in every which direction.  Everything I have read says it should have no bearing on us conceiving but I can’t help feeling like my uterus is on the equivalent of a back country road.  Easy to find if you know where to look or are keen on asking directions but almost impossible otherwise.  I digress.  Along with that he saw some suspicious “air bubbles” that he thought might be polyps.  He asked me to lean over to the right and they seemed to dissipate so he thinks it may have just been the dye playing tricks.  See what I mean?  Me and my hidden, tricky uterus J.   Anyway, based on what he has seen so far he says everything is looking normal.  He is hoping to have my blood tests back next week to see how my hormones are looking (Current mantra: I will not call the RE office, I will not call the RE office) and he let me know up front no news is good news.  He said if there is something drastically off about the numbers, the clinic will call me but otherwise he will wait until payday has his SA and then meet with us both with all results in.

So there you have it.  All my testing is done for now, we have one more to go and then the “party” is officially started.  I confess, I am not in a Zen state about these events.  What?  You’re not surprised!  Well, I would have liked to do something different.  Neurotic is so 90s.  Anyway,  I am having crazy dreams from those where I've gained back all the weight I've lost and payday is calling me fat (you have to know him but trust me, I’d die of shock if that ever happened.  It wouldn't even occur to me to be offended because it’s so anti-payday to do anything like that.  It would be like watching him grow a third eye or something), to me in the doctor’s office waiting.  Like a whole dream where the event is me sitting there…waiting.  I've had a headache for two days.  I am about to ovulate and the last thing on my mind is the deed.  In the morning, I am going for a much needed run for as long and as hard as I can stand it.   Hopefully some of the nerves will be appeased.
If you pray, pray with/for me.  If you meditate, send out your well wishes.  If you need mine, feel free to leave that in a comment…really, I love comments and if you don’t mind a prayer from a well meaning, obsessive, infertile…why not?

Stay thirsty my friends!

Monday, December 15, 2014


Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Tomorrow I go for an HSG.  We have moved paydays date for SA to 12/29 because we are currently in our fertile period and don’t want to jack up the test.  That puts us at 1/12/2015 for the “plan of attack” meeting with the RE.  I hope it ends with a victory for us after this war but after five years (moving toward 6), I am happy to finally be able to say…BATTLE STATIONS!

Stay thirsty my friends J

Thursday, December 11, 2014

RE day

Today was RE day and after all these years of dreading it ever getting to this point…I was pleasantly surprised.  My first visit to the RE was my most efficient doctor’s visit in a long time.  It was first of all, nice to have a doctor sit and WANT to talk through my every cycle since puberty. J  Ok, maybe not that deep but he was genuinely interested.  He wanted to know what I thought, what issues I thought I might have that were not being addressed etc.  Then…unbelievably…he wanted to get started TODAY.  Not next week or next month…no “you’re still young” or “lets give it 3 months of vitamins” and finally not “lose another 15 pounds then come back and see me”.  Yes, these have been the frustrating, hair pull inducing conversations I have had with my last three OBGYNs.    The RE was having none of that.  The exact conversation went something like this:

Him: “What cycle day are you now?” 
Me: “5” 
Him: “Well, I don’t know how anxious you are to get started..”  he pauses as he notes my vigorously nodding head and me already opening my mouth 
Me:“I am very anxious to get started.”  
Him: “Well, I have four tests I want to do right away.  We can do two today…”  

Then he proceeds to explain that he will do an ultrasound to check my ovaries and uterus as well as take blood to check hormone levels and for diseases such as hepatitis.  He has me schedule an HSG (can you believe I have NEVER had this test?  In five friggin years and three or four OBGYNs?) for next Tuesday and payday will come in for his SA the very same day.  He then smiled at me and he said “You’re young and healthy, we just need to find out why you are not getting pregnant.”  I know it doesn't mean we WILL find out or that I will end up pregnant but just to have a doctor finally give it a WE…was just so…relieving.  Some bricks that I didn't even know were on my chest have been lifted.  Anyway so the only results I have so far are from the ultrasound which showed both ovaries (Right bigger than the left) were large and had about 10 follicles each.  That would be a decent sign that my ovarian reserve is not low so hopefully the blood tests confirm that.  I have had that blood test before and it was fine but I've not had the ultrasound so that was new.  I did have a uterine fibroid which the doctor said should be inconsequential due to its size and placement.  It was nice to know something, ANYTHING today.  I'm glad to be moving forward and I'll be along with another update as soon as I have one. Stay tuned friends, the journey has been kicked up a notch.

Till next time