Things you do...

There’s a juxtaposition of infertility and life.  When you start it just seems that it will be a part of your life…not adjacent to it.  My life runs a course that includes infertility but it is somehow a state of being totally separate from me.  Let’s take today for example.  I am CD 3, marginally uncomfortable, irritable and carrying about 5 lbs of water weight.  So not a happy camper even if I wasn’t trying to conceive because as you can see from previous posts, my period generally sucks rotten eggs.  I am carrying a wistful type of sorrow as an old friend of mine (a doctor actually) is pregnant with her third child.  She is over the moon happy about it and I don’t feel bitter about that…just kind of achy in old places.  I have not used opks in a couple of months because frankly there is no need but I am thinking maybe I should start temping (feels a little bit redundant but such is the life of us cycle hounds).

 Anyhow, at the same time as all of the above, I am pretty busy at work during this portion of the month.  Also in the middle of my three month goal check process (I assess professional goals for myself every quarter on my own) in an attempt to make strides toward a project management role I’ve wanted pretty much my whole life.  I am exercising four or five times a week and getting ready for a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Can you see a clear separation of my psyche?  There is a duality of thought here that creates a million dimensions to my entire being. That is on its best day…tiring.  I am not aware of consciously deciding on courses of action based on whether I get pregnant or not.  I don’t really think I do that (not anymore at least which is kind of sad).  I think I try to get pregnant but live my life beside/adjacent of trying to get pregnant.  Does that make sense?  I don’t prepare my life to get pregnant. I am professionally going up mountains as if I hadn’t even considered something so ulterior to my professional and physical goals as a baby but I am trying (though failing) diligently every single day to throw a baby in there.  It never leaves my mind.  So, I’ve concluded that life is just one of those things…it’s one of those things IF people do while they try to get pregnant.  Go figure.

So...yeah

I forgot about ovulation.  I did.  Like not on purpose…not the “relax and let live” then do all but bulls eye the date in your mind technique.  I know that I haven’t ovulated yet…but I have not counted and seen when I WILL ovulate.  Every time I say “Ok, I need to see what day I ovulate”  I never actually make it to the calendar.  Unfortunately, this is not the what will be will be acceptance that would be a step in the right direction.  I am simply too tired to count.  I am not misdirecting myself from the calendar or trying to think of other things to stop myself from counting…I am simply exhausted of counting and cataloging.  I am overcome with heavy tiredness whenever I attempt to count.  All of this might be good if it also meant I cared less…just a little less…whether I get pregnant or not.  Of course this is not the case,  every fiber still wants to be pregnant, every announcement still stings this cycle BUT I simply do not have the energy needed to go into the routine.  What does that mean I wonder?  Is this going to be a new state of being?  Will I now be forced to endure the cross purposes of desire and exhaustion?  As I am typing this I know I will figure out when I ovulate today but I am worried that the reason for this tiredness is that…I don’t want to try.  I am really tired of trying.  I can’t be tired of trying because I’m nowhere near giving up.  My innerself and my body are in completely different places (not unusual in the fertility world) and I have no idea how to get them on the same page.  I’m just so damn tired.