Monday, February 3, 2014


I forgot about ovulation.  I did.  Like not on purpose…not the “relax and let live” then do all but bulls eye the date in your mind technique.  I know that I haven’t ovulated yet…but I have not counted and seen when I WILL ovulate.  Every time I say “Ok, I need to see what day I ovulate”  I never actually make it to the calendar.  Unfortunately, this is not the what will be will be acceptance that would be a step in the right direction.  I am simply too tired to count.  I am not misdirecting myself from the calendar or trying to think of other things to stop myself from counting…I am simply exhausted of counting and cataloging.  I am overcome with heavy tiredness whenever I attempt to count.  All of this might be good if it also meant I cared less…just a little less…whether I get pregnant or not.  Of course this is not the case,  every fiber still wants to be pregnant, every announcement still stings this cycle BUT I simply do not have the energy needed to go into the routine.  What does that mean I wonder?  Is this going to be a new state of being?  Will I now be forced to endure the cross purposes of desire and exhaustion?  As I am typing this I know I will figure out when I ovulate today but I am worried that the reason for this tiredness is that…I don’t want to try.  I am really tired of trying.  I can’t be tired of trying because I’m nowhere near giving up.  My innerself and my body are in completely different places (not unusual in the fertility world) and I have no idea how to get them on the same page.  I’m just so damn tired.

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