I guess I better do something about this situation. I’m running out of things to write. I’m
running out of feelings I have the capacity to talk about. I need actions to take. I’ve always been that sort of a person. It doesn’t matter if it’s mindless or
inconsequential. I need something to do.
I need to convince my dear payday to
take this SA. Yes, he’s already agreed
and yes he will do it BUT not if I don’t ask him again. Not if I don’t set up the appointment. In other words, not if I don’t make him. Most things I need…pay does without any
prodding whatsoever. He jokes that he
can read my mind and his happy life depends on his happy wife so he does do
that (read my mind)…often. I’m not
exactly a talker and he knows me better than almost anyone so he probably knows
I want the test on the same level as he knows my insecurities about my large
breasts BUT deep down he is scared. He
doesn’t want it to be him. I’ve changed
the appointment and not said anything remotely like a reminder to him about it
because…neither do I. *sigh* But as stated, I need some action. For sanity’s sake because I feel complete insanity
is right around the bend if I don’t DO something. It’s the next step, there is no doctor who
will take us around it (once our history is heard) so the step must be taken. I have to grab his hand and take a step that
both of us are afraid will lead to a somehow deeper pit of infertility. How in
the hell can there be a even deeper pit? I know people do and I marvel at them but HOW does anyone manage a deeper rabbit hole than 4 years of this state of being?
It doesn’t matter, my entire self is unable to stand still any
longer. A step must be taken no matter what
direction, even if it is the last step taken for a long time, I have run out of
feelings I can deal with any other way but with action. Till next time.
