Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Big girl panties

I guess I better do something about this situation.  I’m running out of things to write. I’m running out of feelings I have the capacity to talk about.  I need actions to take.  I’ve always been that sort of a person.  It doesn’t matter if it’s mindless or inconsequential.  I need something to do.  I need to convince my dear payday to take this SA.  Yes, he’s already agreed and yes he will do it BUT not if I don’t ask him again.  Not if I don’t set up the appointment.  In other words, not if I don’t make him.  Most things I need…pay does without any prodding whatsoever.  He jokes that he can read my mind and his happy life depends on his happy wife so he does do that (read my mind)…often.  I’m not exactly a talker and he knows me better than almost anyone so he probably knows I want the test on the same level as he knows my insecurities about my large breasts BUT deep down he is scared.  He doesn’t want it to be him.  I’ve changed the appointment and not said anything remotely like a reminder to him about it because…neither do I. *sigh* But as stated, I need some action.  For sanity’s sake because I feel complete insanity is right around the bend if I don’t DO something.  It’s the next step, there is no doctor who will take us around it (once our history is heard) so the step must be taken.  I have to grab his hand and take a step that both of us are afraid will lead to a somehow deeper pit of infertility. How in the hell can there be a even deeper pit? I know people do and I marvel at them but HOW does anyone manage a deeper rabbit hole than 4 years of this state of being?  It doesn’t matter, my entire self is unable to stand still any longer.  A step must be taken no matter what direction, even if it is the last step taken for a long time, I have run out of feelings I can deal with any other way but with action.  Till next time.

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