The thing about being overweight and trying to conceive is
that people assume THAT’S the reason why you are not conceiving. It’s visual…something they can see clearly as
a defect. In fact, they assume it so
much you actually start to believe it too no matter how much you know its other
factors. So I’ll stop being a baby and tell you what this post is about. I am steadily decreasing my weight…maybe
steadily is the wrong word; probably rapidly is the right one. It’s not on purpose. Ha! … Ok what a douche-girl
thing to say. Of course it’s on purpose,
I didn’t think it would be happening this fast but to say I’m not delighted
would be throwing another stone into the “hypocrisy of females” bucket so…yes I’m
losing weight on purpose but surprisingly faster than I ever thought I could…and
I love it. However, it’s not exactly healthy.
Somehow (of course I know how…don’t badger me with reality) I have
transferred a butt load of obsessive energy over to fitness…errr…weight loss…err
discipline, ok that word feels the most true…discipline. That in itself is not bad right? Just a healthy task to escape from the
monotonous torture of obsessing over something I have absolutely no control
over…not even the illusion of control.
Everyone needs a distraction from something like that am I right?
Well yeah, but…see I have too much discipline right
now. I am working out…a lot and I am
barely hungry. I am no psychologist but
I have no interest in developing an eating disorder because of control
issues. On top of that, I have to remind
myself that I got pregnant at a whopping 25lbs heavier than I am now and I
ovulate regularly…always have. I have actually
been told though “once you get that weight off you will get pregnant”. That hurt because it came from somewhere
loving and the person had no idea how wrong they were or how much they were
implying our infertility is my fault. Is
the fault of my lack of control…you get where I’m going with this? I am a burier of feeling from WAY back. If this new found “discipline” of mine
actually has roots in that seedling of ugly insecurity…I could see how it could
get out of hand. I love food you see…fried
chicken, mashed potatoes…any and everything with cheese. The previous true sentence is what makes the
next true sentence shocking. I have no desire to eat and have had none for
almost a month. No one call the feds…I
have been eating. I never eat less than
3 square meals a day and I usually take down some fruit or nuts in
between. All the meals have at least a protein
and vegetables in suggested serving amounts…I’m not in eating disorder land
physically BUT my mind is playing tricks on me.
I like that I’m losing weight quickly…I am seeing numbers I haven’t seen
for years on the scale and so I am hopping on it…hopping on it a lot. DANGER! Red flag…I have obsessive tendencies
(yes there’s a much harsher way to say that but I will be gentle with myself
this one day) and the thing I’ve been most
obsessive over…in ALL
my life…is infertility. If that obsessiveness
is transferred to my body image, that won’t be good. I am concerned because I
am now working out 6 times a week…and I am having to set up reminders to eat
because I am NOT hungry. I need to lose
weight sure…and let’s be honest, it probably couldn’t HURT fertility to get my
BMI in normal range but where is the line on how to get there? Did I cross it? Worse…did I even draw
it? Hmmmm
Till next time
