Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Weight of it

The thing about being overweight and trying to conceive is that people assume THAT’S the reason why you are not conceiving.  It’s visual…something they can see clearly as a defect.  In fact, they assume it so much you actually start to believe it too no matter how much you know its other factors. So I’ll stop being a baby and tell you what this post is about.  I am steadily decreasing my weight…maybe steadily is the wrong word; probably rapidly is the right one.  It’s not on purpose. Ha! … Ok what a douche-girl thing to say.  Of course it’s on purpose, I didn’t think it would be happening this fast but to say I’m not delighted would be throwing another stone into the “hypocrisy of females” bucket so…yes I’m losing weight on purpose but surprisingly faster than I ever thought I could…and I love it. However, it’s not exactly healthy.  Somehow (of course I know how…don’t badger me with reality) I have transferred a butt load of obsessive energy over to fitness…errr…weight loss…err discipline, ok that word feels the most true…discipline.  That in itself is not bad right?  Just a healthy task to escape from the monotonous torture of obsessing over something I have absolutely no control over…not even the illusion of control.  Everyone needs a distraction from something like that am I right? 
Well yeah, but…see I have too much discipline right now.  I am working out…a lot and I am barely hungry.  I am no psychologist but I have no interest in developing an eating disorder because of control issues.  On top of that, I have to remind myself that I got pregnant at a whopping 25lbs heavier than I am now and I ovulate regularly…always have.  I have actually been told though “once you get that weight off you will get pregnant”.  That hurt because it came from somewhere loving and the person had no idea how wrong they were or how much they were implying our infertility is my fault.  Is the fault of my lack of control…you get where I’m going with this?  I am a burier of feeling from WAY back.  If this new found “discipline” of mine actually has roots in that seedling of ugly insecurity…I could see how it could get out of hand.  I love food you see…fried chicken, mashed potatoes…any and everything with cheese.  The previous true sentence is what makes the next true sentence shocking. I have no desire to eat and have had none for almost a month.  No one call the feds…I have been eating.  I never eat less than 3 square meals a day and I usually take down some fruit or nuts in between.  All the meals have at least a protein and vegetables in suggested serving amounts…I’m not in eating disorder land physically BUT my mind is playing tricks on me.  I like that I’m losing weight quickly…I am seeing numbers I haven’t seen for years on the scale and so I am hopping on it…hopping on it a lot.  DANGER! Red flag…I have obsessive tendencies (yes there’s a much harsher way to say that but I will be gentle with myself this one day) and the thing I’ve been most obsessive over…in ALL my life…is infertility.  If that obsessiveness is transferred to my body image, that won’t be good. I am concerned because I am now working out 6 times a week…and I am having to set up reminders to eat because I am NOT hungry.  I need to lose weight sure…and let’s be honest, it probably couldn’t HURT fertility to get my BMI in normal range but where is the line on how to get there?  Did I cross it? Worse…did I even draw it?  Hmmmm

Till next time

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