Monday, November 17, 2014

The blindside

I like to think of myself as progressing through this journey and continuing to grow (more or less) despite the many pitfalls involved.  My character is very important to me and I have always viewed character as a word entwined with spirituality.  I am not perfect…nowhere near it.  I just mean that I try to be aware when I am being petty, jealous, or unjust.  Even if the feeling is taking me over at the moment, I try very hard to be aware that I have given into that feeling and that I am behaving or feeling a way that is not in line with the character traits I am growing toward.  I might still go on feeling that way, but once the mirror is up I will eventually make strides to change the reflection.  I can say with God’s help, I have managed to stop feeling sorry for myself sometimes instantly because of this way of…growing.  Then, there are the blind side times.  When it seems to me that in that instance God is being cruel to me.  It is a terrible feeling and one I find it hard to reconcile.  God’s love is refining…I know this.  It may be as harsh as it is gentle but it is always the best for you because all things work together for the good of those that love the lord.  Again, I know this in theory and in practice but sometimes…the surprise of it.  So here’s what happened. 

A couple of months ago (I know it’s taken me a while to write about it) my SIL invited me and payday out for happy hour.  It was so needed at the time because payday and I had been running nonstop after our trip to Vegas and hadn't had any time with other couples since before the trip.  We went and we were having tacos and drinks at this great place with a great patio.  The weather was nice and we were outside just talking about our trip and laughing at so many jokes.  It was going so great, and then SIL got a phone call about another couple on their way.  We knew this couple too and so it was just a more the merrier kind of feeling.  Well, they arrived…with their newborn.  My eyes literally welled up.  I am always a little bit more emotional after a couple of cocktails and I was PMSing pretty tough too but most of it was…I wasn't expecting it.  I wasn't prepared for all the newborn talk, for the congratulations all around, for holding the baby of such a good friend of the family, for any of it.  I felt awful for feeling the way I did of course, babies are SUCH a blessing.  I truly was/am happy for them.  I just was not prepared.  My mind was a complete other place. Adult time = Safe.  I am going to be safe at happy hour for a couple of hours and then I just…wasn't.  Of course they asked the dreaded “so when are you guys gonna pop one out?”.  Looking back, I did amazingly well.  I did not shed one tear, I said “we’re working on it” with a smile.  There were some jokes with innuendo and I excused myself to the bathroom where I took huge breaths of air and wiped my face until my heart got into some type of pattern I could control.

The blind side still messes me up.  I have not grown that far where this is concerned.  I think about it afterwards and I know that my reaction is not right.  I know that babies and pregnancy are not going anywhere and God does not want this envy, this sadness attached to someone else’s miracle.  A woman after God’s own heart has room for the happiness of others.  When it hits me upside the head though…it takes me much longer to see how I should grow from it.  I know now (almost two months later) that the way I react when I am bombarded…off my guard…that’s the real way I feel.  I know that this is the place that needs to change, that needs to grow in order for me to have peace no matter what the outcome of this journey may be.  Another look at my insides in the mirror and I don’t like what I see so, I'll work on it with the almighty.

Till Next Time...


  1. I often feel the same way. It's hard to know how to navigate this process as a Christian. It's hard not to feel ashamed when jealousy and bitterness and anger rise up. Those emotions just feel so... unholy. But God does understand your pain. I stumbled across Proverbs 30:15-16 the other day. It lists the barren womb as one of the things in life that is never satisfied and never says "Enough". So true, right? God gets it. I hope He grants you strength as you walk through the refining fire. It's certainly not an easy walk, but you'll never be alone as you walk it.

  2. Thanks for the scripture and the comment! Much needed!