Monday, June 1, 2015

Backwards


*Find out more about Microblog Mondays here http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2014/09/what-is-microblog-mondays/


Sometimes the hard part about the journey is the hits your character seems to take.  I love success, I love to see people endeavor and succeed.  I want that for myself, I want that for others.  Infertility has brought out jealousy issues I didn’t even know I had.  I think in my former life (pre infertility apocalypse) I was just too oblivious to the people around me to want what they had or judge them.  I seriously live in my own head so much of the time, my mom thought I might have socialization issues when I was young.  Anyway, these days I find the bitterest thoughts there (in my head).  Today the world found out that Kim Kardashian is pregnant.  I found out this morning through an obligatory Instagram scroll.  My first thought was “Really?!”.  My second after that was a weary disgust at the first thought.  I want to be so much better than I am with this.  I was actually rooting for Kim K (or so I thought) because she was bringing a lot of attention to infertility during this season.  However, when I saw that announcement this morning…my heart sank.  Then it sank further because it sank in the first place.  If there was a mirror for my heart, I’m afraid I wouldn’t recognize it now.  What are those spots of bitterness doing there?  What’s up with the lines of unease and frustration running throughout?  Are those holes of discontent there permanently?  Is that footprint of loss really mine?  This isn’t my heart…this is the heart of a much older and much harder woman.  I want mine back.


Till next time

12 comments:

  1. I feel your courage shining through your words. Be patient and good to yourself.

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    1. Thank you for the comment. I actually felt better after I wrote this!

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  2. I want your back too. And mine.

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    1. I think they will come back...both of them ;)

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  3. I know that feeling. Like you, pre-infertility I almost never cared about other people or what they had. I also live in my head a lot and usually it is a nice place. But having difficult conceiving made me pay so much more attention to the things others had and took for granted (even now with a child I am much the same). And it does lead to bitterness and jealousy, at least some of the time. Which makes one's head not a great place to be sometimes. We have to take care ourselves and try not to be hurt by our own thoughts.

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    1. This is so true. Part of taking care of ourselves is a little forgiveness and less contempt for feelings that just come naturally. Thanks for the comment!

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  4. I know how you feel and I also hate that feeling! I want to be happy for other people who fall pregnant easily but sometimes it's just so hard..

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    1. Agreed. I know now that sometimes I have to give myself a little time. Thanks for your comment!

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  5. Oh, this spoke volumes for me. I've been dealing with some jealousy over another person's new baby. And I hate myself for feeling jealous. So I deal with the jealousy first and then the shame/anger at myself second. An endless loop. I am so there with you, and I love the line about wanting your old heart back.

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    1. I'm glad this spoke to you! After I wrote it, I was going to change it but it really is one of my most true...most raw posts. I was hurting (and still struggling now) so I'm glad I got it out there. Those posts have helped me so much from others. Thanks for the comment!

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  6. I'm thinking that part of your heart sinking was also the fact that you felt there had been someone out there speaking for you, and now there wasn't. That sense of isolation is awfully hard. And as we go through it, we have to steel ourselves. And so it does feel as if our hearts harden - alhough I think that harder shell is simply to protect ourselves.

    But as an "older" woman, I can tell you that whatever happens, your heart will return - and in fact, I believe that mine now is even more open and understanding and compassionate than it was before.

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    1. It's good to know my heart will return. The part of "older" in my post is the part I almost changed because it wasn't quite what I meant. I meant like a person whose life is almost gone...more in a spirit way than a physical age. I left it in because it was part of the raw thoughts I had at the time and I wanted to be true to the moment. I hope I gain compassion and understanding as you have...in fact, that hope is one of the ways I help forgive myself for thoughts of jealousy and bitterness. Thank you for your comment!

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