Even though it doesn’t seem like it from my gray disposition
about them, two week waits are not the torturous time machine they used to be
for me. The first couple of years TTC, I
found the time between ovulation and AF arrival a wear on all my nerves. I tested often and fantasized about how I
would tell DH almost every cycle. I was
disappointed month after month and year after year. I thought what could be worse than a
recurring monthly epic failure?? I’ve
found what is worse, being resigned to failure.
Being resigned is not the same as “letting go”. Letting go implies that you have no
expectation one way or the other and have released the stress that would
normally come with the TWW. Being
resigned means, I know I will see my AF
and I’ve given up believing I won’t see it until…well…until I don’t see
it. Don’t get me wrong, I still HOPE I
don’t see it…but I’m resigned to the fact that I probably will. In a word, that sucks the big one (guess that’s
five wordsJ). I want to whip out tests again and believe
with bright fervor that I have as much a chance as any to get pregnant THIS
cycle. I want to turn off my stupid (yet
methodical) brain that tells me to look at my symptoms and make the educated
guess I have made every month for the last 2 years…It aint happening. I really despise the two week wait for
telling me in no uncertain terms, time and time again, “Brace yourself, epic
fail on the horizon yet again”.
This is the way I feel near the end of all my two week waits
now. When symptoms simply progress on in
their excruciatingly regular, monotonous way I can’t help but feel as if my
body is going on without me. It’s like
that old saying “The world will keep spinning”.
I tick off in my head the DPO and the symptoms to match without any
notice to the dull ache that still feels my heart when another cycle is as good
as gone. Another egg gone, the world
keeps spinning and cycles keep coming.
In fact, she knocks at the door to come and take my hopes and dreams but
she doesn’t even pause to say “I’m sorry”.
She does not hide the heavy foot falls that tell me she is on the way,
she is never even late. She simply shows
up, takes what she will…and leaves.
Before she leaves though, she makes an appointment to return and then
dares me to make her miss that appointment.
I can still here her laughing as she goes knowing she will be at my door
again no matter what I do.
Sorry this is so blue readers, PMS J
I’m sure you can guess without me giving an update but since
I said I would:
12DPO
Same symptoms as always
