Where hope goes to die...the two week wait

Even though it doesn’t seem like it from my gray disposition about them, two week waits are not the torturous time machine they used to be for me.  The first couple of years TTC, I found the time between ovulation and AF arrival a wear on all my nerves.  I tested often and fantasized about how I would tell DH almost every cycle.  I was disappointed month after month and year after year.  I thought what could be worse than a recurring monthly epic failure??  I’ve found what is worse, being resigned to failure.  Being resigned is not the same as “letting go”.  Letting go implies that you have no expectation one way or the other and have released the stress that would normally come with the TWW.  Being resigned means,  I know I will see my AF and I’ve given up believing I won’t see it until…well…until I don’t see it.  Don’t get me wrong, I still HOPE I don’t see it…but I’m resigned to the fact that I probably will.  In a word, that sucks the big one (guess that’s five wordsJ).  I want to whip out tests again and believe with bright fervor that I have as much a chance as any to get pregnant THIS cycle.  I want to turn off my stupid (yet methodical) brain that tells me to look at my symptoms and make the educated guess I have made every month for the last 2 years…It aint happening.  I really despise the two week wait for telling me in no uncertain terms, time and time again, “Brace yourself, epic fail on the horizon yet again”.

This is the way I feel near the end of all my two week waits now.  When symptoms simply progress on in their excruciatingly regular, monotonous way I can’t help but feel as if my body is going on without me.  It’s like that old saying “The world will keep spinning”.  I tick off in my head the DPO and the symptoms to match without any notice to the dull ache that still feels my heart when another cycle is as good as gone.  Another egg gone, the world keeps spinning and cycles keep coming.  In fact, she knocks at the door to come and take my hopes and dreams but she doesn’t even pause to say “I’m sorry”.  She does not hide the heavy foot falls that tell me she is on the way, she is never even late.  She simply shows up, takes what she will…and leaves.  Before she leaves though, she makes an appointment to return and then dares me to make her miss that appointment.  I can still here her laughing as she goes knowing she will be at my door again no matter what I do.

 

Sorry this is so blue readers, PMS J

 

I’m sure you can guess without me giving an update but since I said I would:

12DPO

Same symptoms as always