Friday, October 18, 2013

I survived a baby shower

First,  Sorry for the delay folks…changes at work have kept me quite busy!

So this blog’s title is probably very familiar to most people out their TTC.  Baby showers…the two edge sword.  On the one hand…I LOVE baby showers!  Tiny cute clothes…the newest technology in infant care…great games that revolve around babies…For a lady who wants a baby this is win win right?? 

Well, of course the baby shower makes me think about the one I have NOT had yet.  That’s inevitable.  In my head I can see my shower with all my friends and family there while a big healthy baby moves around in my belly and makes me as physically uncomfortable as possible.  However…it’s only in my head and so it can sometimes affect my attempts to be ecstatic for the mother to be. 

I am glad to report that this was not the case with the baby shower I attended two weeks ago.  My younger cousin is giving birth to a baby girl in…well…any day now!  She was so happy and her S/O was constantly rubbing her belly.  I did think a couple of times “I can’t wait for that” but I was genuinely happy for her.  This is huge.  I have intuitions sometimes, not Long Island Medium intuitions, but little “feeling peeks”.  I call them feeling peeks because it’s not visions of the future or anything but it’s like my spirit gives me a peek into what’s to come.  I can have a really bad feeling that something’s about to happen awful or I can have a great feeling that will make me break out into a smile with no preceding thought to explain it.  I have been getting those a lot lately and I feel…wait for it…like this is a blessing that will come to us.

In this journey, I have thought about everything in my life I have done wrong.  I’ve also thought there is more than sufficient reason for me not to be blessed with another child…I have felt for a while that it wouldn’t happen.  Now, I feel like it will. Not just might…but will.  I would say that what I feel is like grace revealing something to me…not all of it…but enough to tell me to be patient.  My time is coming.  That means the heavy burden of duality with all things baby related is almost completely lifted. I thank God for that.  I did more than survive a baby shower…my heart shone for the mother.  That’s the woman I want to be and I’m glad I was blessed to love on her without bitterness.

This is not to say that I never will deal with that bitterness again.  I hope not but I’m human and I might get inpatient and let something seep back in.  I don’t think so though,  I think now that I feel God whispering so closely to my ear…my spirit is free to be calm.

Next, since as previously discussed…I don’t really talk about my current cycles,  I thought I would place a sort of an update in each of my blog postings.  I know when I read blogs for TTC,  I’m always thinking about how that person’s TTC cycle might be going with every post so I will add the below to each (I have used the current cycle for the below):

CD Number: 13

Days To/Past Ovulation:  Still no positive OPK but I missed testing a couple of days

Symptom Changes?:  I am cramping pretty tough.  I think maybe I O’d early (like yesterday or today) and missed it with the missed testing…I will continue to take OPKs today but if I don’t have a positive by Sunday… I’ll assume I O’d earlier

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