Sometimes I forget about my miscarriage. That sounds awful to me, like it was somehow
not the colossal event it should have been.
The thing is I don’t think “forget” is really the word but there’s not
really another one that fits. The
closest I can come is to say that sometimes…it doesn’t seem like I was ever
close. Sometimes I go back through the
years and the memorable events in a sort of methodical mental rewind so that my
heart can grab on to the realness of being pregnant for that sweet 9 weeks and
1 day. I do not have the date written or
cemented anywhere for this exact reason.
It will never be one of those memories tossed out of my mind like
someone’s name or the outfit of an interesting stranger. I can…right now almost 5 years later…go back
to the calendar and find the date through this method because although the date
left my mind willingly enough…everything before and after it is crystalized in
some sort of infertile slow motion. I
can start right now with what I know to be true today skip several years to
what I know to be true in 2012…then zoom in until I get to that fateful day in 2009
when I heard the silence in my womb and cried.
There literally are no words but somehow…there’s a story.
So we had been trying for almost a year. I was consumed by the craziness of TTC up to
that point. I had several tearful CD1s…looking
back I imagine if I could have even ever glimpsed what has become of my TTC journey and stayed sane. I guess there’s a reason God does
not let us see how hard something will be.
Anyway, I was working as an accounting associate at a very stressful and
unstable job. It was the height (what I
hope was the only peak anyway) of my son’s asthma. It was just a hard time. One day my boss calls me into his office and
tells me they are letting me go. They “need
more collectors and though you are the best analyst we've ever had we need less analysis and more collections at this time” he says. I am devastated. I call payday and he says for me not to worry
and to just come home. I do. When I get there he has food prepared and
says he will go get the kids. He tells
me to go back to school. He says that I
am awesome and I should “get some damn rest for once”. That man of mine J. Anyway, I wipe my tears…decide he is
absolutely correct and enroll that day in a local Christian university. I am so happy to be back in school…I can’t
even describe it. Payday continues to
work, and I am able for the first time in years to pick my kids up from
school not daycare! They are in second grade now…and
oh the drama J I love every second of it, can’t really
believe I’ve been missing this for a paycheck and a boss that yells too
much. The weeks go on and I feel like I
can breathe from trying to conceive right now.
I’m laid off…back in school…nobody (even me) would expect us to be
trying to have a baby right now.
Then what do you know…just like all the saps who don’t mean
us any harm but cut us to the quick anyway say…it happened while I was least
expecting it. I am a couple of days late…weird. If there is anyone out there who started at
the beginning of this blog they know…it’s more than weird. It’s pretty near unbelievable. I am never ever late. So, I get up the next morning and take a test
and it’s positive. I run out jump on the
bed to a bleary eyed payday and exclaim “We did it! Oh my God…he did it! We did
it…we are going to have a baby!!!!” It
takes him several seconds to blink away whatever dream he was in the midst of
and then his whole face…his whole being lit up..”Are you sure?”…I hand him the
test, kiss him…go snatch some cash and head to the local drug store. 15 minutes later we are looking at 3 tests and
two digital all confirming that…there is a miracle in my belly. I’m going to leave you with that today. This is a two part story if there ever was
one but mostly…I want to leave you with that picture because I want to separate
it from what comes next. Right now, at
this part of the story I get to be something I haven’t had a chance to be again
afterward so far…pregnant.
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