So after that…we did exactly what we said we wouldn’t do,
got right on the phone with our parents and told them we were pregnant. To say they were ecstatic would just be an
understatement. I felt fine…mighty fine J I started to have some painful urination and
I called my doctor for treatment options for a UTI…we had seen the heartbeat
just a week before but I knew…I just knew something was wrong. We got to the office, and she gave me an
ultrasound and our little lump’s heart beat no more. It was excruciating and I cried the kind of
tears that give you headaches afterward.
That’s all I can put to this part…it still hurts to this day. I still pick at the wound with my mind. What did I do? How could I have stopped it? It got easier
but somehow not less painful. I thought
it meant, we could get pregnant and it was at least a good sign in that way but
I still often think “What if the only miracle we get in fertility is the one we
can’t hold?” Please God let me hold my
miracle.
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