Monday, August 18, 2014

Crazy little thing

It’s so crazy how hope works.  All of my symptoms are the same this month.  Actually this is one of my “worse” months.  Like I have said previously, pretty much all my cycles are the same.  Sometimes though I have what I call “worse odd” cycles.  These are cycles where there is an increase in my “bad symptoms” and the “good symptoms” lessen or stay the same.  Don’t judge me…hear me out.  So a bad symptom is like AF similar cramping, spotting (I never spot), diarrhea.  These symptoms are bad because they are conducive to a hard period (yes even harder than normal) or if by some miracle I am pregnant…the unthinkable… another miscarriage.  The “good” symptoms are sore boobs, frequent urination, and fatigue.  These are symptoms that don’t affect me too bad during my period and would not drive me into a state of frenzy if I found out I was pregnant.  You get where I’m going?  We all know my period is probably coming but in “worse” months my period is probably coming with a vengeance.  That’s if I’m lucky…if I am unlucky… I might be pregnant after 5 years and looking down at a probable miscarriage.  Can you guess how I feel when my cramping is severe early and steady?  I’m sure you can so I’ll move on.  This is a “worse” month.  All of my PMS symptoms have been exact…on point…just like any regular girl can expect but the end of last week I started to feel like my period was coming on any day.  Of course it didn’t, I’m rarely early and never late but it filled me with…what do you think?  Foreboding?  Misery?  Disdain?  No silly…hope.  Is that the craziest crap you ever heard or what?
I’ve been here before.  Over the past 5 years I haven’t had THAT many “worse” months (Thank God!)  but mostly I cry and cry on the inside because I know it’s over…but a few of those times I have this silly hope.  Like out of nowhere I think “Worse is not the same” or I think “there are hormonal changes happening”.  And then even scarier, I feel like I can’t expect to see my period or a negative test.  It’s like I’m a bird who has this incredible mountain to jump off of until I can fly.  Several times I have jumped off the mountain and broken something but then I discovered a way to at least land on the ground without hurting myself too badly.  When this crazy hope comes, I throw that way to fall…the way I know is the ONLY safe way to fall…I throw that right out of the window.  I can’t think of that way to fall now because I am so FULL of visions that say…fly.  You can only fly.   I know better in my brain…but my heart…my poor, poor heart.

Till next time…

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