#MicroblogMonday What's it worth to you?

The RE bills is not a game for kids J  See what I did there?  Yes, I got my first invoice.  It’s not much compared to what some of you have seen (a measley $500) but more than I have spent on doctor’s visits in the last 3 years combined. What’s crazy is it’s only the beginning.  Insert deep sigh here.  It is what it is.  I know payday and I both have this wild hope that I’m pregnant right now (despite the 1% chance it’s even possible) so that we won’t have to go forward with the operation to cut off our arm and leg so we can surreptitiously hand them to our RE.  Oh well, who needs a savings account or retirement plan anyway right?

Till next time

The Game Plan

            And moving right along…On Wednesday I had a plan of attack meeting with the RE.  Payday had a last minute work commitment and couldn’t be there (L).  I had stressed myself pretty much into a coma like state, convinced that the doctor would come to a radically different conclusion than the nurse.  I have a habit of thinking the very worst no matter what, I thought “I’m 32, what if he thinks we need to go straight to IVF with ICSI?, my fertility with assistance journey will be over before it even begins.”   That kind of thing.  Well, I’m happy to report that I was wrong.  That sentence might not come out of my mouth again (like ever) so it’s good that I have it forever saved here in this blog.  Anyway, Dr. C basically reiterated all the things the nurse had said.  He also told me from my ultrasound and HSG that I had a “pretty fine looking uterus”.  This he said with a smile, and I can tell you for an infertile…it’s a little like being told you’re beautiful J I beamed a smile right back at him, it might be one of the most needed compliments I have ever had.  He believes a moderate treatment plan is the way to go.  So, we will do IUI with monitoring.  The plan is to call on the first day of my next cycle (which this regular girl knows will be January 30^th or very close to it) and schedule my day 3 labs and a baseline ultrasound.  I will be given clomid to take from Day 3 to day 7 if all is good during that ultrasound.  Then monitoring, trigger, IUI.  Like lights, camera, action J.  I’ve been given some good advice to buy cheap pregnancy tests so that I can test the pregnancy hormone out of my system.  I never thought I would want to do it that way but with the explanation of how pregnant I will “feel”, I can see why it might actually make it easier.  I can imagine that I’ll be burning to test early and if I get a positive and don’t know whether it’s real or the hormones still in my system…That might be a little like hell.

                I did get bit of a surprise.  Dr. C thinks I have “Ovulatory PCOS”.  He explained it was his own term but there are women who have cystic ovaries with regular ovulatory cycles.  Most of my tests were normal but those that were off (AMH, testerone level) indicate that I probably had PCOS.  Well, that’s not what I wanted to hear but hey…at least I know now.  Also, it took some of the burden of guilt off payday, the doctor explained that it’s plausible that if any one of our mild diagnoses were to disappear we would have been pregnant long ago.  However, the combination of them might just be what’s holding us back.  This is why we were able to get pregnant before (thought we miscarried) but have had this long spell of nothing.   So, that’s the plan.  He said we could try IUI at least three times before he would recommend moving on to IVF.  I am truly praying that it happens for us this first time.  We waited so long to get to this road and we are so emotionally drained…I know it doesn’t work that way for a lot of people but right now…call me an optimist.  It’s completely out of character but I really don’t have any other choice, I’m too tired for cynicism.

Till next time,

With the new year...The results

So even with stressful holiday weeks whizzing by…payday and I managed to get him to the clinic and tested last week.  All of my test results came back as well so here’s the skinny.  All of my tests were within normal range except for testosterone which was a bit high.  The nurse stated this sometimes means PCOS but since I have regular periods…she’s pretty sure I don’t have PCOS.  My ovarian reserve is fine though the numbers are a little on the high side of normal (whew! To that).  Payday has a count that is a bit below normal.  Everything else was pretty fine.  All in all…”It wouldn’t be a surprise to me for you guys to conceive on your own”.  A boulder the size of Texas slid to the left in my chest.  To have gone all this time and believe in all your heart that you and your partner were destined to create a baby together…but to have year after year pass with nothing on a pregnancy test…not even an evap.  To say I was thinking the worst would probably be an understatement.  We never got the exact numbers on payday’s SA before so my thoughts were what if they tell us IVF with ICSI is the ONLY option.  Can you still sell Kidneys?  If I sell my kidney for IVF money, is that a bit like throwing out the baby with the bath water (pun NOT intended)?  Will I have to borrow all the money available for loan from my 401k for even one shot at it? Would that even work?  What if he has NO sperm?  What if I have NO eggs?  How do you make a cake without any of the ingredients? 

Yes, all these questions…many more in fact…ran through my mind over the last week.  Who am I kidding?  I’ve been thinking this (off and on…mostly on) for the last five years.  When we got these results it didn’t mean there was nothing to worry about.  It DOES mean that despite my mind’s persistence to the contrary…it is not impossible for us to get pregnant.  Despite all these years of heartache...we could still conceive at any moment.  Our baby wasn’t a fluke.  That makes me feel like I lost more than 40lbs.  I lost the weight of the world.  So, before I start bawling or something…next steps.  Next Wednesday the 14^th we go in to see the RE for game plan options.  I am hoping he says let’s start with IUI.  I don’t know what he might see as the best option though so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I will keep you all posted.

With Faith, For love, Of Light