With the new year...The results

So even with stressful holiday weeks whizzing by…payday and I managed to get him to the clinic and tested last week.  All of my test results came back as well so here’s the skinny.  All of my tests were within normal range except for testosterone which was a bit high.  The nurse stated this sometimes means PCOS but since I have regular periods…she’s pretty sure I don’t have PCOS.  My ovarian reserve is fine though the numbers are a little on the high side of normal (whew! To that).  Payday has a count that is a bit below normal.  Everything else was pretty fine.  All in all…”It wouldn’t be a surprise to me for you guys to conceive on your own”.  A boulder the size of Texas slid to the left in my chest.  To have gone all this time and believe in all your heart that you and your partner were destined to create a baby together…but to have year after year pass with nothing on a pregnancy test…not even an evap.  To say I was thinking the worst would probably be an understatement.  We never got the exact numbers on payday’s SA before so my thoughts were what if they tell us IVF with ICSI is the ONLY option.  Can you still sell Kidneys?  If I sell my kidney for IVF money, is that a bit like throwing out the baby with the bath water (pun NOT intended)?  Will I have to borrow all the money available for loan from my 401k for even one shot at it? Would that even work?  What if he has NO sperm?  What if I have NO eggs?  How do you make a cake without any of the ingredients? 

Yes, all these questions…many more in fact…ran through my mind over the last week.  Who am I kidding?  I’ve been thinking this (off and on…mostly on) for the last five years.  When we got these results it didn’t mean there was nothing to worry about.  It DOES mean that despite my mind’s persistence to the contrary…it is not impossible for us to get pregnant.  Despite all these years of heartache...we could still conceive at any moment.  Our baby wasn’t a fluke.  That makes me feel like I lost more than 40lbs.  I lost the weight of the world.  So, before I start bawling or something…next steps.  Next Wednesday the 14^th we go in to see the RE for game plan options.  I am hoping he says let’s start with IUI.  I don’t know what he might see as the best option though so I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I will keep you all posted.

With Faith, For love, Of Light