What a weird thing that is. Hope. There are all these movies that say hope is one of the greatest assets of the human race. It can propel you towards goals not physically possible without it. I guess up until IF I agreed with this whole heartedly. Being an open realist, I never had much idea how much closeted optimism I house. I think it’s mostly because of faith. Everything I’ve seen of God and his touch in my life has made me full of hope, love, and charity. At least I think that’s true…hope that’s true. There is another side to hope though. It is pretty much uncontrollable for instance. I have been going through cycle after cycle (after cycle) without much of it. I mean still sad sometimes don’t get me wrong but a sarcastic (if not bitter) “pretty much what I expected” thought with every recurring CD 1.
Today, out of nowhere hope rears her pretty little head and says “What CD are you on?” and then “Doesn’t it seem different this month?”. I have been doing an absolutely stellar job of not obsessing. I have a fairly good idea of when I ovulated this month and am about 50/50 on whether the baby dance was done in that window. This cycle I am full of “Eh…whatever”. Now she says “what if you are pregnant right now?” and it does not feel good to hear it. There was a time when I would think “what if I’m pregnant?” and get all kinds of great fluttery happy feelings everywhere but that time seems like forever ago. I believe I may have sent that question to die with “What if you’re NOT pregnant LIKE ALWAYS and you start thinking you are again??” Yep, shot it dead.
The hope. I missed it and at the same time was glad to see the peak of hope go so that I might try to live on through the valley of disappointment. Anyway, here it is today without any prompting from me. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can’t undo hope, she does what she wants. All I can do is pray that she is right, if not now…eventually.
Until we meet again…