Dreams

My blog is apparently getting a lot of love this month.  I had the craziest dream last night.  No, I’m not pregnant.  Incidentally, isn't it weird how you train yourself to state the answer to “Are you pregnant?” without being asked?  Anytime something happens to me that might be said is a pregnancy symptom, I usually sigh and answer before someone asks me that question.  As an IF person, you pretty much always know whether you are pregnant or not so the question is just agonizing to hear.  I digress.  Anyway, this dream was about a positive pregnancy test (of course).   It was so REAL.  I knew the pregnancy test would be positive in the dream.  My dreams are usually like that (where I know what will happen) and sometimes I even know I’m dreaming.  A psychologist would say something to do with me needing to control things or some such nonsense but I had HORRIFIC night terrors that actually grew up with me till about 13.  I learned how to “control” my dreams.  Otherwise, I would be scaring my parents to death crying/screaming/fighting in my sleep all night. 

This dream wasn't one that I knew I was dreaming while I was dreaming.  That’s what made it so real.  It was in our current home…that’s not normal of my dreams either. I don’t know if it’s some kind of defense mechanism or something but normally my dreams happen at some place I’ve seen before or been before.  Rarely do they involve my current dwelling…adding to the realness.  The test looked real, my family was at my home and payday was coming to the door as I was running out to show him the test.  I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest and shaking all over.  It’s exactly the way I (and both twins might I add) wake up from nightmares.  It wasn’t fear…it’s hard to describe.  It was like excruciatingly vivid.  Then when I woke up, it was like my body…my whole self was still holding the dream.  Dramatic I know, but that’s as close as I can get.  I’m about to cry with what I’m about to type.  I’ve said I believed before only to return to my depressed “It probably won’t happen” state of being.  This dream…while I was in it…and while I am remembering it.  I believe.  I will be pregnant again.

Till next time…

We have a date set

The date for the urologist appointment is set.  September 15^th is the day.  We are hoping to get all payday’s testing done that day.  Incidentally, he and I had one of the best conversations we have ever had about trying to conceive.  I let him know almost all my frustrations with the process.    He is a man of few words let me tell you …this is the most words we’ve had about this subject in a long time.  I am a kind of straight forward girl and payday (even with his tough exterior) has a “please handle gently” sign in plain sight on this particular subject.  I have felt in the past like I am going into his flowers and sunshine setting and pulling the curtain up so he can see a little of the realistic view I have to endure each cycle.   It is completely unfair and an act of desperation but I can’t seem to stop myself every few years from saying…do you not see how HARD this is?  Do you have any idea what our chances are now compared to what they were when we started this?  These questions along with a healthy dose of resentment for taking THIS much time to have tests done and for watching as I zoom through all the invasive testing only to have us stall completely at your ONE test. 

Not thinking of how very scared he may be to find out he has something wrong, not thinking that it’s kind of beautiful that he doesn’t know some of the awful statistics, not thinking that his faith is sometimes all that keeps me sane…yes, I know don’t line up all at once boys.  I’m just such a great catch. Anyway, we discussed all this and he simply said from this point forward we will treat trying to conceive as the priority it has always been in each of our minds and hearts.  That guy…that guy…that’s exactly why he’s my guy.  So we started with scheduling an appointment for the neighborhood urologist.   Let’s see what we find out if anything.

**SIDE NOTE – After not testing for a thousand years, I tested early this cycle (Today, 13DPO…yeah, I know not early by most standards) even though all my symptoms of AF were the same or worse (see previous post to this one).  I tested with a digital because you know…I like to kill my hope with a head shot.  Not pregnant, just as I suspected.  CD1 should be tomorrow as planned.  Yeah, this is the way I give an update…sorry so bitter**

Till next time

Crazy little thing

It’s so crazy how hope works.  All of my symptoms are the same this month.  Actually this is one of my “worse” months.  Like I have said previously, pretty much all my cycles are the same.  Sometimes though I have what I call “worse odd” cycles.  These are cycles where there is an increase in my “bad symptoms” and the “good symptoms” lessen or stay the same.  Don’t judge me…hear me out.  So a bad symptom is like AF similar cramping, spotting (I never spot), diarrhea.  These symptoms are bad because they are conducive to a hard period (yes even harder than normal) or if by some miracle I am pregnant…the unthinkable… another miscarriage.  The “good” symptoms are sore boobs, frequent urination, and fatigue.  These are symptoms that don’t affect me too bad during my period and would not drive me into a state of frenzy if I found out I was pregnant.  You get where I’m going?  We all know my period is probably coming but in “worse” months my period is probably coming with a vengeance.  That’s if I’m lucky…if I am unlucky… I might be pregnant after 5 years and looking down at a probable miscarriage.  Can you guess how I feel when my cramping is severe early and steady?  I’m sure you can so I’ll move on.  This is a “worse” month.  All of my PMS symptoms have been exact…on point…just like any regular girl can expect but the end of last week I started to feel like my period was coming on any day.  Of course it didn’t, I’m rarely early and never late but it filled me with…what do you think?  Foreboding?  Misery?  Disdain?  No silly…hope.  Is that the craziest crap you ever heard or what?

I’ve been here before.  Over the past 5 years I haven’t had THAT many “worse” months (Thank God!)  but mostly I cry and cry on the inside because I know it’s over…but a few of those times I have this silly hope.  Like out of nowhere I think “Worse is not the same” or I think “there are hormonal changes happening”.  And then even scarier, I feel like I can’t expect to see my period or a negative test.  It’s like I’m a bird who has this incredible mountain to jump off of until I can fly.  Several times I have jumped off the mountain and broken something but then I discovered a way to at least land on the ground without hurting myself too badly.  When this crazy hope comes, I throw that way to fall…the way I know is the ONLY safe way to fall…I throw that right out of the window.  I can’t think of that way to fall now because I am so FULL of visions that say…fly.  You can only fly.   I know better in my brain…but my heart…my poor, poor heart.

Till next time…