It's that time again

There is a prerequisite to the mandatory course that is my period.  I call it my cramping 101.  During my actual period I have cramping that is akin to contractions.  The kind you might have if you were pregnant with a 25 pound two headed godzilla like creature with razor sharp teeth that bite you from the inside.  This is not an over exaggeration, in fact…I may be sugar coating a little.  So obviously…THAT sucks but what sucks even more (if you can even believe it’s possible to up the scale of sucky at this point) are my cramping 101 pains.  I have described the KNOWING that my period is coming.  I talked about this in my “Tales of a Regular girl” post but the cramping itself…it deserves it’s own post.  So, here we go with the 101s, the alpha, the beginning.  What makes them so awful is that they are the SAME…always.  They bring with them some diarrhea and nausea. I can actually feel the uterus contracting, not with the excruciating pain that it will have as a partner in a couple of days but...with a feeling I can only describe as "Yuck".  I always feel like someone poured a bucket of water into all my pores and the 101’s are attempting to run them through some kind of collision course with all available exits.  It’s an awful overall feeling and it occurs every single month, on time, and without fail. 

I would add that I have  pretty high tolerance for pain.  With the twins, I remember women telling me “Contractions are like cramps but ten times worse”.  I thought, “oh well, surely I’ll die or pass out then”.  At that time, I didn’t know my period was any different from anyone else’s.  I learned later that most of my friends pitied my monthly blood and guts horror show.  That people actually use panty liners as pads (I sincerely thought this was a myth) and that girls take tylenol then cramps disappear like bunny rabbits into a hat.  I’m not bitter…ok, sometimes a little.  The beginning of this revelation was my labor with the twins.  I kept waiting for The Pain.  I dilated 6 centimeters before baby girl turned breach requiring a c section.  I mean I felt something but it wasn’t even a distant blurry comparison to my period cramps.  According to the doctor my contractions were “intense” enough for both babies to be delivered vaginally (had they both cooperated with the plan) but I was asking could I please have a burger right up to the operating table.  So not ten times stronger than MY period pain, not a tenth OF my period pain, just a vaguely uncomfortable feeling I liken to having a decent amount of gas. That was 13 years ago and I've given birth painfully and bitterly to only a uterine lining ever since. Of course, I'm not alone in the pain of giving birth every month to only a uterine lining, and though I wouldn't wish IF on anyone...not being alone helps.

I said all that to say,  there is no mistaking 101s for round ligament pain or early pregnancy cramping. When the 101s begin…it’s already over.

P.S. Of course I had to create this post while 101s are in session to make sure I captured all their glory.

Till next time

The clan queen gets dyed

The HCG went well and the overall conclusion is everything looks normal.  Tubes are definitely clear.  Now, there were some funky bits.  Apparently, along with my uterus being retroverted (I already knew this from many annual exams) it also tilts to the right.  This might be the result of the fibroid he found in my ultrasound.   I find it kind of funny that my uterus apparently goes in every which direction.  Everything I have read says it should have no bearing on us conceiving but I can’t help feeling like my uterus is on the equivalent of a back country road.  Easy to find if you know where to look or are keen on asking directions but almost impossible otherwise.  I digress.  Along with that he saw some suspicious “air bubbles” that he thought might be polyps.  He asked me to lean over to the right and they seemed to dissipate so he thinks it may have just been the dye playing tricks.  See what I mean?  Me and my hidden, tricky uterus J.   Anyway, based on what he has seen so far he says everything is looking normal.  He is hoping to have my blood tests back next week to see how my hormones are looking (Current mantra: I will not call the RE office, I will not call the RE office) and he let me know up front no news is good news.  He said if there is something drastically off about the numbers, the clinic will call me but otherwise he will wait until payday has his SA and then meet with us both with all results in.

So there you have it.  All my testing is done for now, we have one more to go and then the “party” is officially started.  I confess, I am not in a Zen state about these events.  What?  You’re not surprised!  Well, I would have liked to do something different.  Neurotic is so 90s.  Anyway,  I am having crazy dreams from those where I've gained back all the weight I've lost and payday is calling me fat (you have to know him but trust me, I’d die of shock if that ever happened.  It wouldn't even occur to me to be offended because it’s so anti-payday to do anything like that.  It would be like watching him grow a third eye or something), to me in the doctor’s office waiting.  Like a whole dream where the event is me sitting there…waiting.  I've had a headache for two days.  I am about to ovulate and the last thing on my mind is the deed.  In the morning, I am going for a much needed run for as long and as hard as I can stand it.   Hopefully some of the nerves will be appeased.

If you pray, pray with/for me.  If you meditate, send out your well wishes.  If you need mine, feel free to leave that in a comment…really, I love comments and if you don’t mind a prayer from a well meaning, obsessive, infertile…why not?

Stay thirsty my friends!

#MicroblogMonday

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Tomorrow I go for an HSG.  We have moved paydays date for SA to 12/29 because we are currently in our fertile period and don’t want to jack up the test.  That puts us at 1/12/2015 for the “plan of attack” meeting with the RE.  I hope it ends with a victory for us after this war but after five years (moving toward 6), I am happy to finally be able to say…BATTLE STATIONS!

Stay thirsty my friends J

RE day

Today was RE day and after all these years of dreading it ever getting to this point…I was pleasantly surprised.  My first visit to the RE was my most efficient doctor’s visit in a long time.  It was first of all, nice to have a doctor sit and WANT to talk through my every cycle since puberty. J  Ok, maybe not that deep but he was genuinely interested.  He wanted to know what I thought, what issues I thought I might have that were not being addressed etc.  Then…unbelievably…he wanted to get started TODAY.  Not next week or next month…no “you’re still young” or “lets give it 3 months of vitamins” and finally not “lose another 15 pounds then come back and see me”.  Yes, these have been the frustrating, hair pull inducing conversations I have had with my last three OBGYNs.    The RE was having none of that.  The exact conversation went something like this:

Him: “What cycle day are you now?” 

Me: “5” 

Him: “Well, I don’t know how anxious you are to get started..”  he pauses as he notes my vigorously nodding head and me already opening my mouth 

Me:“I am very anxious to get started.”  

Him: “Well, I have four tests I want to do right away.  We can do two today…”  

Then he proceeds to explain that he will do an ultrasound to check my ovaries and uterus as well as take blood to check hormone levels and for diseases such as hepatitis.  He has me schedule an HSG (can you believe I have NEVER had this test?  In five friggin years and three or four OBGYNs?) for next Tuesday and payday will come in for his SA the very same day.  He then smiled at me and he said “You’re young and healthy, we just need to find out why you are not getting pregnant.”  I know it doesn't mean we WILL find out or that I will end up pregnant but just to have a doctor finally give it a WE…was just so…relieving.  Some bricks that I didn't even know were on my chest have been lifted.  Anyway so the only results I have so far are from the ultrasound which showed both ovaries (Right bigger than the left) were large and had about 10 follicles each.  That would be a decent sign that my ovarian reserve is not low so hopefully the blood tests confirm that.  I have had that blood test before and it was fine but I've not had the ultrasound so that was new.  I did have a uterine fibroid which the doctor said should be inconsequential due to its size and placement.  It was nice to know something, ANYTHING today.  I'm glad to be moving forward and I'll be along with another update as soon as I have one. Stay tuned friends, the journey has been kicked up a notch.

Till next time

Community

When I first started this infertility journey, I (like most people) just thought it would be a trying to conceive journey.  I thought it might take a few months, maybe even a whole year (heaven forbid!) but if I lent myself to the research and to the diligent schedule I had created…we’d be pregnant.  The first few months were already a bucket of cold water in the face.  How have I had a cycle all my life with only a dim idea of how the whole thing works?  I became…well…obsessed.  It was my every waking thought, all events, all ideas, buzzed around trying to conceive like little insect nuisances to a large elephant.  Around 6 months, I found an online community (it no longer exists but I still have a tight friendship with most of the original group through FB) that I could pour my obsession into instead of letting it drown my life.  At that time (it seems like a billion years ago now), I spilled all of everything to my group.  I was so completely naive about these women, some of them had already been trying for a year or two before I joined and I remember when I got pregnant…having the thought that I was “finally” pregnant…that it was such a long and arduous journey, that I could never go through a whole ELEVEN cycles of trying again (even though we had only really been paying attention about half that time) and how glad I was that it was OVER. 

Then I miscarried. It was a devastating time for payday and I but I got through it and a lot of it had to do with my infertility group at the time.  They were there and I needed them and I loved them.  We have drifted, most of them have had second (and some third) children while my journey still continues on and at some points over the last four years since the miscarriage, it’s been hard to be around the original community that helped me so much in those days.  I still love all the women there and over the last year I have come back to the group almost to full daily participation as I did in the “old” days.  I am glad for that, really glad about that growth.  I have found over the last two years that it is important to keep in contact with ladies who are still trying or who talk of how tough trying to conceive was when they were, often and without shame.  I don’t ever want to lose the community because I won’t ever forget the struggle no matter how it ends.  I appreciate the people letting their emotions out in their blogs with rawness and humor (secondvoice) as well as those who would never shy away from the topic of infertility (lollipop Goldstein), and those who have so much faith it inspires you to have more (induetime).  There are so many that I read diligently and I can’t name them all but if you write about IF…I hope you know you are a part of a community that (baby or not) I will always be at home in.

Stay thirsty my friends,

#MicroblogMonday

12-11-2014

D DAY…or RE day if you want to call it that.  Appointment is set.  Let the lord’s will be done.

Amen  

The blindside

I like to think of myself as progressing through this journey and continuing to grow (more or less) despite the many pitfalls involved.  My character is very important to me and I have always viewed character as a word entwined with spirituality.  I am not perfect…nowhere near it.  I just mean that I try to be aware when I am being petty, jealous, or unjust.  Even if the feeling is taking me over at the moment, I try very hard to be aware that I have given into that feeling and that I am behaving or feeling a way that is not in line with the character traits I am growing toward.  I might still go on feeling that way, but once the mirror is up I will eventually make strides to change the reflection.  I can say with God’s help, I have managed to stop feeling sorry for myself sometimes instantly because of this way of…growing.  Then, there are the blind side times.  When it seems to me that in that instance God is being cruel to me.  It is a terrible feeling and one I find it hard to reconcile.  God’s love is refining…I know this.  It may be as harsh as it is gentle but it is always the best for you because all things work together for the good of those that love the lord.  Again, I know this in theory and in practice but sometimes…the surprise of it.  So here’s what happened. 

A couple of months ago (I know it’s taken me a while to write about it) my SIL invited me and payday out for happy hour.  It was so needed at the time because payday and I had been running nonstop after our trip to Vegas and hadn't had any time with other couples since before the trip.  We went and we were having tacos and drinks at this great place with a great patio.  The weather was nice and we were outside just talking about our trip and laughing at so many jokes.  It was going so great, and then SIL got a phone call about another couple on their way.  We knew this couple too and so it was just a more the merrier kind of feeling.  Well, they arrived…with their newborn.  My eyes literally welled up.  I am always a little bit more emotional after a couple of cocktails and I was PMSing pretty tough too but most of it was…I wasn't expecting it.  I wasn't prepared for all the newborn talk, for the congratulations all around, for holding the baby of such a good friend of the family, for any of it.  I felt awful for feeling the way I did of course, babies are SUCH a blessing.  I truly was/am happy for them.  I just was not prepared.  My mind was a complete other place. Adult time = Safe.  I am going to be safe at happy hour for a couple of hours and then I just…wasn't.  Of course they asked the dreaded “so when are you guys gonna pop one out?”.  Looking back, I did amazingly well.  I did not shed one tear, I said “we’re working on it” with a smile.  There were some jokes with innuendo and I excused myself to the bathroom where I took huge breaths of air and wiped my face until my heart got into some type of pattern I could control.

The blind side still messes me up.  I have not grown that far where this is concerned.  I think about it afterwards and I know that my reaction is not right.  I know that babies and pregnancy are not going anywhere and God does not want this envy, this sadness attached to someone else’s miracle.  A woman after God’s own heart has room for the happiness of others.  When it hits me upside the head though…it takes me much longer to see how I should grow from it.  I know now (almost two months later) that the way I react when I am bombarded…off my guard…that’s the real way I feel.  I know that this is the place that needs to change, that needs to grow in order for me to have peace no matter what the outcome of this journey may be.  Another look at my insides in the mirror and I don’t like what I see so, I'll work on it with the almighty.

Till Next Time...

Over myself and feel eh...

I have seriously not been in the mood to write.  Well…I have written several unfinished blog posts but have been only mildly interested in completing the thoughts the posts contain.  I am not forcing myself to write now…well, not exactly anyway.  I guess I felt like saying hi but not much else so…hi J

Till next time

7 DPO

The cramping is here.  They are unmistakably strong as always. Guess its back to the regular cycle now.

Sigh…

Till next time…

God-Incidences

I have a position that has many tasks that can be done from home.  I absolutely LOVE that about my job.  It allows for so much work/life balance and let’s face it…it’s just great to work in your pajamas.  Well there are some whispers around my coworkers that the company may be going to mostly/all remote positions.  This would be just…awesome…like to maybe the millionth degree.  Did I mention payday and I work for the same company now?  I don’t want to think about it too much or hope too much but if payday and I were able to work from home…that would be just amazing!  My first thought was of how great it was when I got to see my kids come home from school every day for those few months I was out of work a few years back.  It was tight financially but…man oh so sweet!  Also, I work best from home, at work my office is quite lively and I sometimes have to zone out to do what I do.  At home, it’s just much easier for me to focus.  It does take discipline but once I got used to it…I preferred it vastly to being in the office.  Well, when I mentioned to payday I was a part of a project that is making me think this might be more than just talk…the first thing HE thought of was “and if we get you pregnant we can both be home and I wouldn’t have to leave either of my babies”. 

Did you ever have something hit you as like… purposeful?  Some people talk about destiny or fate like it is someone/something controlling your life or pulling you into circumstances you have no control over.  I think purpose and destiny are to very different things as far as ideas go.  To me, purpose is circumstances lining up in an ORDER that makes the way clear for you to do what God wants you to do or put better…the circumstances are like stone steps (good and bad) to what you were made to be doing at a certain time in your life.  So, sometimes in my life I have had times where everything made sense about a 100 circumstances or events at one time.  I never claim to know the mind of God (dangerous Moses territory there), I just think sometimes he reveals himself in purpose to the tune of a 1+1 equation.  Basically, so there’s no other answer to the question of how something came about but him.  He did it.   He did it all.  We are talking a lifetime of learning this lesson that God can build you up with nice neat bricks, intricately placed this way and that so that when he places you up top, you can see that he was always working for your betterment, that you did not stack those bricks and it wasn’t random luck that placed those bricks so strategically…it was him.  These are what I now call God-incidences (a perfect word I have stolen with her knowledge from induetime J).

That’s what this feels like.  Payday had a different job last year, he was laid off…we went through some financial hardships and I had a position that was just a paycheck. In November, payday (charming as ever) attends my company Christmas party (a company I had been at all of two weeks mind you) and swoons my middle and senior management teams.  They love him and then a position doing exactly what he had been doing professionally the prior year becomes available (Luck schmuck! God-incidence).  I refer him and he is working in my same building by the middle of December.  Payday makes more money (much more) than he did at his old job and so do I AND the new company has great insurance for everyone .  Payday is happy (read my previous #microblogmonday post), the twins are happy, the queen of the clan is happy.  Do you see where I am going?  Do you see that God in his infinite wisdom seems to have been building this pyramid with blessing after blessing, hard times after hard times, and new opportunity after new opportunity so that we might get to a place where he wanted us?  There’s no point in lying to God, myself, or my faithful (two or three hopefully) readers…I have always hoped that place was (somehow) financially stable, (somehow) at home, with our two soon to be teenagers and (somehow) new baby.  I used to think “now I don’t know how all that’s going to happen”.  How could all those things be true at the same time?  Never put a limitation on the almighty.

Till next time…

Two

Two positive OPK’s in a row.  Changes like this and the four day early period from last month always throw me off kilter.  I am a regular girl, I’ve said a billion times that even though there’s failure after failure…at least it’s the same WAY.  I know morbid sense of humor…yata yata yata.  I’ve only had a double positive OPK once…in five years.   Can you guess when it was?  Hmmm?  Of course, my miscarriage…the one and only time I have been pregnant since this journey began.  Now, I will bite my nails off and test as early as possible…my zen has been shattered.

If anyone is out there reading this…pray with/for me.  If you don’t believe in anything…still pray. It can’t hurt.

Till next time,

#Microblog Monday

My husband was singing in the shower this morning.  I went into the bedroom to get my laptop and I smiled while I listened silently. I'm working from home today so I headed back to my "office" but I just thought...He's happy.  That's such a wonderful thing.  It's a wonderful thing to hear your husband happy enough to sing.  It's a blessing to still be this much in love after almost a decade of marriage and I'm just so grateful for it.

Find out more about microblog Mondays here:

Microblog Monday

Happy Monday

Las Vegas

Man is that a PARTY town!!  We had a blast though.  I especially enjoyed old vegas…I felt like I was in the movie casino.  There were a couple of nights where payday and I actually got up to go out at one or two in the morning…I don’t think I’ve EVER done that in my life.  I’ve never been a club person even in my twenties but hanging out in the casino in the wee hours is kind of awesome J  The night of the Mayweather fight was mayhem and greatness all around.  Anyway, here are a couple of pictures of our little place on the strip.  Oh…I am afraid of heights to the tenth degree so these were all taken by payday:

We didn't lose any money so I guess that’s all you can really hope for in that town.  I loved it but...Our next trip will hopefully be on a beach somewhere with the main adventure being lying face up.  

Till next time…

Just Plain Weird

So today…a stunning four days early…AF shows.  It is by far the weirdest cycle in my how many ever years of... well...of watching my cycle.   I started getting what felt exactly like ovulation cramps around CD 8.  I didn’t even log it because it was just…unheard of…I just dismissed it as regular cramps still echoing from the cycle that ended a day or two before but now it looks like, I actually did ovulate around CD 9 or 10 (If what they say about your luteal phase staying the same is true.)  It is also weird that though I am cramping and there is enough blood for me to know, there’s no chance it’s a pregnancy…its nowhere near my usual horror show.  It’s like my aunt flo sent her younger sister aunt trickle lol.  Nobody get up in arms...if it had been the littlest sister (I'll call her Aunt spot), I would have been ready to whip out a test already.  Believe me, it's enough of a show to be the real thing. Also, I would call the cramps "regular" not light.  My cramping is just normally like something you see in Alien so to me it's less.  Oh well…maybe something’s changing in there and my next cycle will be the lucky one.

I will post separately about my vacation J

Till next time

Microblog Monday!

Only working two days in the office this week!  Oh yeah…to Vegas we go!  Will this controlled, slightly OCD but lovable neurotic lady be able to let her hair down?  Stay tuned J #microblogmonday

Paid Time Off

So, vacation she’s a coming.  Next week  Payday and I will take us a trip to the adventurous desert of Las Vegas.  Our first vacation alone…for five days…in the middle of the two week wait.  Yes momma likes this!   This week I feel like I just want to have fun.  Don’t worry, I’ve been here before…the stress will return but right now…I’ve lost 30 pounds and I want to just enjoy my marriage and my life.   I am hoping a vacation from infertility thoughts is coming too…at least for a day of that week.   Do the infertile get vacations?  Real ones?  I mean…we should have some PTO…I’ve been at the job of being infertile much longer than my current professional position J  I don’t know if I get a day off but after 5 years…I’m going to try sneaking out the back.  Who knows maybe I’ll get promoted and the BRB will no longer be the boss of me at all.

Till next time…

Dreams

My blog is apparently getting a lot of love this month.  I had the craziest dream last night.  No, I’m not pregnant.  Incidentally, isn't it weird how you train yourself to state the answer to “Are you pregnant?” without being asked?  Anytime something happens to me that might be said is a pregnancy symptom, I usually sigh and answer before someone asks me that question.  As an IF person, you pretty much always know whether you are pregnant or not so the question is just agonizing to hear.  I digress.  Anyway, this dream was about a positive pregnancy test (of course).   It was so REAL.  I knew the pregnancy test would be positive in the dream.  My dreams are usually like that (where I know what will happen) and sometimes I even know I’m dreaming.  A psychologist would say something to do with me needing to control things or some such nonsense but I had HORRIFIC night terrors that actually grew up with me till about 13.  I learned how to “control” my dreams.  Otherwise, I would be scaring my parents to death crying/screaming/fighting in my sleep all night. 

This dream wasn't one that I knew I was dreaming while I was dreaming.  That’s what made it so real.  It was in our current home…that’s not normal of my dreams either. I don’t know if it’s some kind of defense mechanism or something but normally my dreams happen at some place I’ve seen before or been before.  Rarely do they involve my current dwelling…adding to the realness.  The test looked real, my family was at my home and payday was coming to the door as I was running out to show him the test.  I woke up with my heart pounding in my chest and shaking all over.  It’s exactly the way I (and both twins might I add) wake up from nightmares.  It wasn’t fear…it’s hard to describe.  It was like excruciatingly vivid.  Then when I woke up, it was like my body…my whole self was still holding the dream.  Dramatic I know, but that’s as close as I can get.  I’m about to cry with what I’m about to type.  I’ve said I believed before only to return to my depressed “It probably won’t happen” state of being.  This dream…while I was in it…and while I am remembering it.  I believe.  I will be pregnant again.

Till next time…

We have a date set

The date for the urologist appointment is set.  September 15^th is the day.  We are hoping to get all payday’s testing done that day.  Incidentally, he and I had one of the best conversations we have ever had about trying to conceive.  I let him know almost all my frustrations with the process.    He is a man of few words let me tell you …this is the most words we’ve had about this subject in a long time.  I am a kind of straight forward girl and payday (even with his tough exterior) has a “please handle gently” sign in plain sight on this particular subject.  I have felt in the past like I am going into his flowers and sunshine setting and pulling the curtain up so he can see a little of the realistic view I have to endure each cycle.   It is completely unfair and an act of desperation but I can’t seem to stop myself every few years from saying…do you not see how HARD this is?  Do you have any idea what our chances are now compared to what they were when we started this?  These questions along with a healthy dose of resentment for taking THIS much time to have tests done and for watching as I zoom through all the invasive testing only to have us stall completely at your ONE test. 

Not thinking of how very scared he may be to find out he has something wrong, not thinking that it’s kind of beautiful that he doesn’t know some of the awful statistics, not thinking that his faith is sometimes all that keeps me sane…yes, I know don’t line up all at once boys.  I’m just such a great catch. Anyway, we discussed all this and he simply said from this point forward we will treat trying to conceive as the priority it has always been in each of our minds and hearts.  That guy…that guy…that’s exactly why he’s my guy.  So we started with scheduling an appointment for the neighborhood urologist.   Let’s see what we find out if anything.

**SIDE NOTE – After not testing for a thousand years, I tested early this cycle (Today, 13DPO…yeah, I know not early by most standards) even though all my symptoms of AF were the same or worse (see previous post to this one).  I tested with a digital because you know…I like to kill my hope with a head shot.  Not pregnant, just as I suspected.  CD1 should be tomorrow as planned.  Yeah, this is the way I give an update…sorry so bitter**

Till next time

Crazy little thing

It’s so crazy how hope works.  All of my symptoms are the same this month.  Actually this is one of my “worse” months.  Like I have said previously, pretty much all my cycles are the same.  Sometimes though I have what I call “worse odd” cycles.  These are cycles where there is an increase in my “bad symptoms” and the “good symptoms” lessen or stay the same.  Don’t judge me…hear me out.  So a bad symptom is like AF similar cramping, spotting (I never spot), diarrhea.  These symptoms are bad because they are conducive to a hard period (yes even harder than normal) or if by some miracle I am pregnant…the unthinkable… another miscarriage.  The “good” symptoms are sore boobs, frequent urination, and fatigue.  These are symptoms that don’t affect me too bad during my period and would not drive me into a state of frenzy if I found out I was pregnant.  You get where I’m going?  We all know my period is probably coming but in “worse” months my period is probably coming with a vengeance.  That’s if I’m lucky…if I am unlucky… I might be pregnant after 5 years and looking down at a probable miscarriage.  Can you guess how I feel when my cramping is severe early and steady?  I’m sure you can so I’ll move on.  This is a “worse” month.  All of my PMS symptoms have been exact…on point…just like any regular girl can expect but the end of last week I started to feel like my period was coming on any day.  Of course it didn’t, I’m rarely early and never late but it filled me with…what do you think?  Foreboding?  Misery?  Disdain?  No silly…hope.  Is that the craziest crap you ever heard or what?

I’ve been here before.  Over the past 5 years I haven’t had THAT many “worse” months (Thank God!)  but mostly I cry and cry on the inside because I know it’s over…but a few of those times I have this silly hope.  Like out of nowhere I think “Worse is not the same” or I think “there are hormonal changes happening”.  And then even scarier, I feel like I can’t expect to see my period or a negative test.  It’s like I’m a bird who has this incredible mountain to jump off of until I can fly.  Several times I have jumped off the mountain and broken something but then I discovered a way to at least land on the ground without hurting myself too badly.  When this crazy hope comes, I throw that way to fall…the way I know is the ONLY safe way to fall…I throw that right out of the window.  I can’t think of that way to fall now because I am so FULL of visions that say…fly.  You can only fly.   I know better in my brain…but my heart…my poor, poor heart.

Till next time…

The Weight of it

The thing about being overweight and trying to conceive is that people assume THAT’S the reason why you are not conceiving.  It’s visual…something they can see clearly as a defect.  In fact, they assume it so much you actually start to believe it too no matter how much you know its other factors. So I’ll stop being a baby and tell you what this post is about.  I am steadily decreasing my weight…maybe steadily is the wrong word; probably rapidly is the right one.  It’s not on purpose. Ha! … Ok what a douche-girl thing to say.  Of course it’s on purpose, I didn’t think it would be happening this fast but to say I’m not delighted would be throwing another stone into the “hypocrisy of females” bucket so…yes I’m losing weight on purpose but surprisingly faster than I ever thought I could…and I love it. However, it’s not exactly healthy.  Somehow (of course I know how…don’t badger me with reality) I have transferred a butt load of obsessive energy over to fitness…errr…weight loss…err discipline, ok that word feels the most true…discipline.  That in itself is not bad right?  Just a healthy task to escape from the monotonous torture of obsessing over something I have absolutely no control over…not even the illusion of control.  Everyone needs a distraction from something like that am I right? 

Well yeah, but…see I have too much discipline right now.  I am working out…a lot and I am barely hungry.  I am no psychologist but I have no interest in developing an eating disorder because of control issues.  On top of that, I have to remind myself that I got pregnant at a whopping 25lbs heavier than I am now and I ovulate regularly…always have.  I have actually been told though “once you get that weight off you will get pregnant”.  That hurt because it came from somewhere loving and the person had no idea how wrong they were or how much they were implying our infertility is my fault.  Is the fault of my lack of control…you get where I’m going with this?  I am a burier of feeling from WAY back.  If this new found “discipline” of mine actually has roots in that seedling of ugly insecurity…I could see how it could get out of hand.  I love food you see…fried chicken, mashed potatoes…any and everything with cheese.  The previous true sentence is what makes the next true sentence shocking. I have no desire to eat and have had none for almost a month.  No one call the feds…I have been eating.  I never eat less than 3 square meals a day and I usually take down some fruit or nuts in between.  All the meals have at least a protein and vegetables in suggested serving amounts…I’m not in eating disorder land physically BUT my mind is playing tricks on me.  I like that I’m losing weight quickly…I am seeing numbers I haven’t seen for years on the scale and so I am hopping on it…hopping on it a lot.  DANGER! Red flag…I have obsessive tendencies (yes there’s a much harsher way to say that but I will be gentle with myself this one day) and the thing I’ve been most obsessive over…in ALL my life…is infertility.  If that obsessiveness is transferred to my body image, that won’t be good. I am concerned because I am now working out 6 times a week…and I am having to set up reminders to eat because I am NOT hungry.  I need to lose weight sure…and let’s be honest, it probably couldn’t HURT fertility to get my BMI in normal range but where is the line on how to get there?  Did I cross it? Worse…did I even draw it?  Hmmmm

Till next time

The blogging continues

I have been a sad, sad blogger for the past couple of months.  There just has not been much to report.  After all of my hoopla and hollering during my last post, me and payday haven’t done anything proactive on the TTC front recently.  We went on a family vacation that was extremely needed.  I had a great time on the beach and it was great to get relaxed with so much family surrounding us.  Of course, the old TTC witch doesn’t like vacations, she says “look how much bigger the kids are than all the others!  They are about to be 13 years old! Will you and your love every have babies together?”  Anyway, I’m proud to say those were only whispers in what was an otherwise fabulously awesome beach vacation.  We got back and it’s been business as usual.

 Is it possible to have something you always think about but never have time for?  My mom would say no…that if you really wanted something you made time.  I guess I believe her, I do really want this but maybe I’ve made my peace with this level of rejection and do not wish to move to the “scientific” rejection stage.  Needles don’t scare me but doctor’s nonchalantly discussing “chances” and “best case scenarios” give me the friggin willies.  I think when a doctor tells you something, you must deal with it.  I am a person who faces adversity/challenges head on.  I have never been able to understand a person running from something they are going to have to deal with.  Always seemed futile, you are literally running for the sake of running and the problem still persists.  Well, now I get that.  Sure the problem still persists BUT I don’t have to look at it do I? Investigate it? No thanks.   It’s like closing your eyes when you take medicine from your mom. Even though closing your eyes actually makes the medicine taste worse (what with the extra sensory input from your taste buds and nose because of the sight being gone) ,  it is so much better than watching her hand with that pool of colored liquid make its way toward your face.

The thing is, this time there may be nothing but that steady creep of hand toward my face.  No promises that once you take this you will feel better or this will take care of the problem.  In fact, the hand with the medicine is saying you have to take this and taste all of it but it may or may not make you better.  You might be that “sick”.   And then even worse…at least to me…”You are too sick to be cured but I have no idea what’s wrong with you”.  You want to talk about mountains of fear?  That’s my Everest.  I guess I better get climbing if I want to look in the mirror and believe I am who I say am.  At the very least, I need to be me (no more no less) no matter what the outcome of this journey may be.

 

Stay thirsty my friends

Big girl panties

I guess I better do something about this situation.  I’m running out of things to write. I’m running out of feelings I have the capacity to talk about.  I need actions to take.  I’ve always been that sort of a person.  It doesn’t matter if it’s mindless or inconsequential.  I need something to do.  I need to convince my dear payday to take this SA.  Yes, he’s already agreed and yes he will do it BUT not if I don’t ask him again.  Not if I don’t set up the appointment.  In other words, not if I don’t make him.  Most things I need…pay does without any prodding whatsoever.  He jokes that he can read my mind and his happy life depends on his happy wife so he does do that (read my mind)…often.  I’m not exactly a talker and he knows me better than almost anyone so he probably knows I want the test on the same level as he knows my insecurities about my large breasts BUT deep down he is scared.  He doesn’t want it to be him.  I’ve changed the appointment and not said anything remotely like a reminder to him about it because…neither do I. *sigh* But as stated, I need some action.  For sanity’s sake because I feel complete insanity is right around the bend if I don’t DO something.  It’s the next step, there is no doctor who will take us around it (once our history is heard) so the step must be taken.  I have to grab his hand and take a step that both of us are afraid will lead to a somehow deeper pit of infertility. How in the hell can there be a even deeper pit? I know people do and I marvel at them but HOW does anyone manage a deeper rabbit hole than 4 years of this state of being?  It doesn’t matter, my entire self is unable to stand still any longer.  A step must be taken no matter what direction, even if it is the last step taken for a long time, I have run out of feelings I can deal with any other way but with action.  Till next time.

One Girl’s tale of a Miscarriage (Part 2)

So after that…we did exactly what we said we wouldn’t do, got right on the phone with our parents and told them we were pregnant.  To say they were ecstatic would just be an understatement.  I felt fine…mighty fine J  I started to have some painful urination and I called my doctor for treatment options for a UTI…we had seen the heartbeat just a week before but I knew…I just knew something was wrong.  We got to the office, and she gave me an ultrasound and our little lump’s heart beat no more.  It was excruciating and I cried the kind of tears that give you headaches afterward.  That’s all I can put to this part…it still hurts to this day.  I still pick at the wound with my mind.  What did I do?  How could I have stopped it? It got easier but somehow not less painful.  I thought it meant, we could get pregnant and it was at least a good sign in that way but I still often think “What if the only miracle we get in fertility is the one we can’t hold?”  Please God let me hold my miracle.

One Girl's tale of a miscarriage (Part 1)

Sometimes I forget about my miscarriage.  That sounds awful to me, like it was somehow not the colossal event it should have been.  The thing is I don’t think “forget” is really the word but there’s not really another one that fits.  The closest I can come is to say that sometimes…it doesn’t seem like I was ever close.  Sometimes I go back through the years and the memorable events in a sort of methodical mental rewind so that my heart can grab on to the realness of being pregnant for that sweet 9 weeks and 1 day.  I do not have the date written or cemented anywhere for this exact reason.  It will never be one of those memories tossed out of my mind like someone’s name or the outfit of an interesting stranger.  I can…right now almost 5 years later…go back to the calendar and find the date through this method because although the date left my mind willingly enough…everything before and after it is crystalized in some sort of infertile slow motion.  I can start right now with what I know to be true today skip several years to what I know to be true in 2012…then zoom in until I get to that fateful day in 2009 when I heard the silence in my womb and cried.  There literally are no words but somehow…there’s a story. 

So we had been trying for almost a year.  I was consumed by the craziness of TTC up to that point.  I had several tearful CD1s…looking back I imagine if I could have even ever glimpsed what has become of my TTC journey and stayed sane.  I guess there’s a reason God does not let us see how hard something will be.  Anyway, I was working as an accounting associate at a very stressful and unstable job.  It was the height (what I hope was the only peak anyway) of my son’s asthma.  It was just a hard time.  One day my boss calls me into his office and tells me they are letting me go.  They “need more collectors and though you are the best analyst we've ever had we need less analysis and more collections at this time” he says.  I am devastated.  I call payday and he says for me not to worry and to just come home.  I do.  When I get there he has food prepared and says he will go get the kids.  He tells me to go back to school.  He says that I am awesome and I should “get some damn rest for once”.  That man of mine J.  Anyway, I wipe my tears…decide he is absolutely correct and enroll that day in a local Christian university.  I am so happy to be back in school…I can’t even describe it.  Payday continues to work, and I am able for the first time in years to pick my kids up from school not daycare!  They are in second grade now…and oh the drama J  I love every second of it, can’t really believe I’ve been missing this for a paycheck and a boss that yells too much.  The weeks go on and I feel like I can breathe from trying to conceive right now.  I’m laid off…back in school…nobody (even me) would expect us to be trying to have a baby right now. 

Then what do you know…just like all the saps who don’t mean us any harm but cut us to the quick anyway say…it happened while I was least expecting it.  I am a couple of days late…weird.  If there is anyone out there who started at the beginning of this blog they know…it’s more than weird.  It’s pretty near unbelievable.  I am never ever late. So, I get up the next morning and take a test and it’s positive.  I run out jump on the bed to a bleary eyed payday and exclaim “We did it! Oh my God…he did it! We did it…we are going to have a baby!!!!”  It takes him several seconds to blink away whatever dream he was in the midst of and then his whole face…his whole being lit up..”Are you sure?”…I hand him the test, kiss him…go snatch some cash and head to the local drug store.  15 minutes later we are looking at 3 tests and two digital all confirming that…there is a miracle in my belly.  I’m going to leave you with that today.  This is a two part story if there ever was one but mostly…I want to leave you with that picture because I want to separate it from what comes next.  Right now, at this part of the story I get to be something I haven’t had a chance to be again afterward so far…pregnant.

Hope

Hope

 

What a weird thing that is.  Hope.  There are all these movies that say hope is one of the greatest assets of the human race.  It can propel you towards goals not physically possible without it.  I guess up until IF I agreed with this whole heartedly.  Being an open realist, I never had much idea how much closeted optimism I house.  I think it’s mostly because of faith.  Everything I’ve seen of God and his touch in my life has made me full of hope, love, and charity.  At least I think that’s true…hope that’s true.  There is another side to hope though.  It is pretty much uncontrollable for instance.  I have been going through cycle after cycle (after cycle) without much of it.  I mean still sad sometimes don’t get me wrong but a sarcastic (if not bitter) “pretty much what I expected” thought with every recurring CD 1. 

Today, out of nowhere hope rears her pretty little head and says “What CD are you on?” and then “Doesn’t it seem different this month?”.   I have been doing an absolutely stellar job of not obsessing.  I have a fairly good idea of when I ovulated this month and am about 50/50 on whether the baby dance was done in that window.  This cycle I am full of “Eh…whatever”.  Now she says “what if you are pregnant right now?” and it does not feel good to hear it.  There was a time when I would think “what if I’m pregnant?” and get all kinds of great fluttery happy feelings everywhere but that time seems like forever ago.  I believe I may have sent that question to die with “What if you’re NOT pregnant LIKE ALWAYS and you start thinking you are again??”  Yep, shot it dead. 

The hope.  I missed it and at the same time was glad to see the peak of hope go so that I might try to live on through the valley of disappointment.  Anyway, here it is today without any prompting from me.  There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I can’t undo hope, she does what she wants.  All I can do is pray that she is right, if not now…eventually.

 

Until we meet again…

Epic

 

I’ve been thinking (you probably see that I tend to do too much of that).  There is an epic amount of everything in IF.  Don’t you think so?  It seems like there’s just too much of every damn thing.  It’s too much heartbreak, too much sorrow, too much hope, too much monotony.  Looking for a rarity in biology, (a 15% chance after 30 and rolling steady downward after that) that is even more rare in your case (for whatever your reasons are) means that we are steadily looking at rules instead of exceptions.  We are even looking at (and analyzing) the hope for those exceptions.  The hope itself is in enormous quantity.

 At the same time that we have these millions of couples out here struggling to conceive, we have millions more (what seem like billions to us) blasting their successful rarities…what we know to be true miracles…in top quality surround sound and 3D pictures to match.  It is a lot.  Epic.  If I had to describe infertility to anyone in one word, that would be it.  Everything about it is huge.  All things going into it and coming out of it (whether you end up with a baby or not) are gargantuan. Every baby on the planet and in the womb is somehow in the mix. Them and everything about conception HAS to be in the mix. 

 Millions of sperm (if you’re lucky), one egg (if you’re lucky), and one hope for a purposeful meeting of the two…and finally you watching it not happen as many times as it takes or until you (or your body) give up.  I have had around 55 unsuccessful cycles. 55.  FIFTY FIVE.  I have a lot of patience and I still believe I have a lot of faith but the truth is I might not have enough of ANYTHING to keep my sanity against the enormous epic of EVERYTHING that is infertility. 

Thank God it’s not me alone.  This is where I pray because I need something more than I got to fight for what I want.

 

Till next time…

 

Things you do...

There’s a juxtaposition of infertility and life.  When you start it just seems that it will be a part of your life…not adjacent to it.  My life runs a course that includes infertility but it is somehow a state of being totally separate from me.  Let’s take today for example.  I am CD 3, marginally uncomfortable, irritable and carrying about 5 lbs of water weight.  So not a happy camper even if I wasn’t trying to conceive because as you can see from previous posts, my period generally sucks rotten eggs.  I am carrying a wistful type of sorrow as an old friend of mine (a doctor actually) is pregnant with her third child.  She is over the moon happy about it and I don’t feel bitter about that…just kind of achy in old places.  I have not used opks in a couple of months because frankly there is no need but I am thinking maybe I should start temping (feels a little bit redundant but such is the life of us cycle hounds).

 Anyhow, at the same time as all of the above, I am pretty busy at work during this portion of the month.  Also in the middle of my three month goal check process (I assess professional goals for myself every quarter on my own) in an attempt to make strides toward a project management role I’ve wanted pretty much my whole life.  I am exercising four or five times a week and getting ready for a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks.  Can you see a clear separation of my psyche?  There is a duality of thought here that creates a million dimensions to my entire being. That is on its best day…tiring.  I am not aware of consciously deciding on courses of action based on whether I get pregnant or not.  I don’t really think I do that (not anymore at least which is kind of sad).  I think I try to get pregnant but live my life beside/adjacent of trying to get pregnant.  Does that make sense?  I don’t prepare my life to get pregnant. I am professionally going up mountains as if I hadn’t even considered something so ulterior to my professional and physical goals as a baby but I am trying (though failing) diligently every single day to throw a baby in there.  It never leaves my mind.  So, I’ve concluded that life is just one of those things…it’s one of those things IF people do while they try to get pregnant.  Go figure.

So...yeah

I forgot about ovulation.  I did.  Like not on purpose…not the “relax and let live” then do all but bulls eye the date in your mind technique.  I know that I haven’t ovulated yet…but I have not counted and seen when I WILL ovulate.  Every time I say “Ok, I need to see what day I ovulate”  I never actually make it to the calendar.  Unfortunately, this is not the what will be will be acceptance that would be a step in the right direction.  I am simply too tired to count.  I am not misdirecting myself from the calendar or trying to think of other things to stop myself from counting…I am simply exhausted of counting and cataloging.  I am overcome with heavy tiredness whenever I attempt to count.  All of this might be good if it also meant I cared less…just a little less…whether I get pregnant or not.  Of course this is not the case,  every fiber still wants to be pregnant, every announcement still stings this cycle BUT I simply do not have the energy needed to go into the routine.  What does that mean I wonder?  Is this going to be a new state of being?  Will I now be forced to endure the cross purposes of desire and exhaustion?  As I am typing this I know I will figure out when I ovulate today but I am worried that the reason for this tiredness is that…I don’t want to try.  I am really tired of trying.  I can’t be tired of trying because I’m nowhere near giving up.  My innerself and my body are in completely different places (not unusual in the fertility world) and I have no idea how to get them on the same page.  I’m just so damn tired.

Doctor’s appointment and other mumbling updates

My doctor’s appointment went fine.  I mean at least he didn’t say “Just relax”.  As I said at the end of the 2013 year, the first test will be my husband’s.  I just had an “Is everything still fine with me” check.  Then we will get into fun tests like HSG.  I’m sure you can hear the mild sarcasm overlaying this post already…PMS *sigh*.  Anyway, we are scheduling that test in a couple of weeks and I will keep you updated on the results.  The hard part is trying to time an SA test while TTC because of the rules of the test and the amount of BDing needed in the TTC realm.  We are scheduling it around when I ovulate so that we are sure to be done with our TTC round for the cycle but not too far to upset the test, so more than likely it will be Wed the 5^th of February.  At which point, I hope we have excellent news.

I am officially on the wagon of weight loss and will not be deterred.  My jump off to a lifestyle over haul is a 30 day challenge at eating “clean”.  I’m not exactly sticking to all the rules because…well…I just don’t agree with all of them BUT I am eating a significantly less amount of processed foods and have increased my water in-take by a billion.  I will not give up cheese…just…will…NOT… and I don’t think it’s necessary for my particular goals anyway.  I have worked out every day so far and have until February 13^th on the jump start challenge.  If I am not pregnant by the end of this year (**quick prayer** lord please, if it’s in thy will let me see the end of 2014 pregnant) I will at least be AT my weight loss goal.

Hm…thought I had more to say.  Guess not.  Stay thirsty my friends J

Something New

HELLO 2014!!

 

In reading over the last of my posts for 2013,  I am slightly horrified at the bleak outlook on fertility and life in general.  I am a realist sure, but not a pessimist.  I hereby declare that gloom cycle past for now.  It’s a new year, tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment for wellness as well as fertility.  We are marching on toward victory…I can FEEL it J  My husband has a new job and his mood is through the roof excited, I can’t help but catch a bit of his good cheer.  Did I say how much I love that man?  Wind beneath my wings he is…

 

Anyway, what’s going on with me?  Not much, I’m going back to my health wagon that I slipped (Ok maybe I jumpedJ) off of a few months back.  I’ve gained 10 lbs of the previous 30 lost back and I’m not happy about the back track because I have quite a ways to go BUT at least I don’t have to start all the way over.   As far as fertility, I made the appointment with a local OBGYN.  I needed a change in doctors and this one comes recommended from a friend.  That’s as far as I have gotten.  I am praying and hoping (in that order) to hear a string of good news from whatever doctors we have to see.  In the meantime, I’ve taken a black marker to my diet.  I am usually a proponent of everything in moderation BUT I’ll have to work my way back there.  My love of potato chips has edged toward obsession and we need some time apart.  This is also true of red wine (I love my wine), cheese, and potatoes.  These things have to be cut out for a time until I can have them in suitable portions without withdrawal symptoms J

On another note, my mom (who is just awesomeness) has let me know that she can’t wait for more grandchildren.  This is great!  I know some people would find this sounds like pressure but that’s just not how my mom means it.  She has told me she would be completely content if I never got pregnant again.  She loves her grandchildren but I don’t think she ever saw me as a mother of 3 or 4.  I am an only child and until I had the twins…I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to get married or have kids.  I think she was worried I would be overwhelmed or lose myself or something like that.  Now that the twins are getting older (going to be 13 this year L)…I think she can see how nice it will be to have a young child around again.  Also, it’s very different from when I last became pregnant, payday and I have been together for a decade.  Married for almost eight years, good stable jobs, complete education…and (I think this might be the biggest thing) she’s older.  She was too young to be a grandmother when I made her one but NOW is the time her grandmother clock has started ticking.  I love the sound.  My mom is the best woman I have ever known.  She loves God, is honest and true to herself.  She put me first and I remember loving to see the look on her face when she turned around and saw me.  She lit up.

It says something to me now that she is so proud of me and wants to watch me mother more children.  I guess that’s it for today folks.  I’ll post about my doctor appointment by the end of the week!